Correspondence Hall of Shame, 11/27

Been a long time since I’ve posted one of these. But of course, no matter what’s going on in the world, there are three things you can always count on: Death, taxes, and tacky messages on the internet.

What’s one of my all-time favorites, kids? The form letter with too much information. This one was sent to me not once, not twice, but three times.

I am a kinky Italian/S. American switch. As a Dom, I like spankings, floggings, bondage, breast bondage, tit torture, body worship, role playing, age play (Daddy/little girl), massage (giving and receiving), 69, dildo & butt plug training, hot candle wax play, and using & abusing all three holes of a submissive for My pleasure. If this sounds good to you, and if you like my pix, please reply and send me pix (face shot and full body shot).  Feel free to send Me explicit pix, especially if you want to see Mine.  };-)  Please email your pix to [email deleted] . Please include your screen name and the site name in your email. Cheers,  [name deleted]~ cell [deleted]  kik: [deleted] Hangouts & Skype: [deleted]

First… Blecchhh. Second, notice how many things I had to redact. Hey, paisan, you forgot to give me your social security number. Third, call me picky, but I’d kinda like to play with a man who thinks of me as a whole person, not “three holes.” Vaffanculo.

I would love to be your sissy slut, and I could give you total control of my dungeon, if you ever decide to visit Las Vegas, you have a place where you could stay and be worshiped, I would love to be your sissy cum slut, but also willing to switch if Mistress wishes. I’m very curious, and I am looking for my dominant Mistress/Switch.

The above falls under the heading of Read. My. F@#$ing. Profile. ‘Nuff said.

I’ve read your profile and yes, you’ve made my cock ache to ravage and fuck! I do crave a very intense wild hot kinky adventure of pure orgasmic bliss. If you’re truly ready to explore uninhibited sexual pleasure, let’s chat about the potential.

Dude. I just want a spanking, not the freaking Kama Sutra. Sorry I can’t help you with your aching cock; perhaps you should take matters into your own hands.

Hi there…I’m into spanking OTK….but that only makes my cock hard….and would want to penetrate that red, rosey ass after a thorough OTK spanking…

Yeah… you can’t always get what you want. But thanks for sharing. (shuddering)

Hi how are you my names Xxxx:P This is gonna sound weird lol but would you be down to give me a wedgie for being a nerd lolllll I would love to spank you so hard in return 😉 but if not it’s fine I wouldn’t wanna make you do something you aren’t comfortable with 🙂

Too late, pumpkin. Just having to read this made me uncomfortable. Also, apropos of absolutely nothing — wouldn’t lolllll mean “Laughing Out Loud Loud Loud Loud Loud”?

And finally, this one falls squarely under the “WTF????” heading:

are you willing to set aside time for me
to get acquainted with your FEMININE ODOR…???

My WHAT???
Honey, you come anywhere near my feminine bits, and the only odor you’ll get acquainted with is pepper spray. GTFOOH.

Sheeeeeeesh.

Switching gears, I’d like to be serious for a moment. Yesterday was Thanksgiving. As we all know, this has been one hell of a year and being thankful was a challenge to say the least. But then I got an e-card from my stepmother, we exchanged a couple of emails, and I know exactly what I’m grateful for this year, along with the usual (John, friends, home, job, etc.)

My stepmother was born during the Great Depression. She’s seen one hell of a lot in her 89 years, and while her body is very uncooperative these days, her mind is as sharp as a tack. She’s very politically aware, and four years ago when the syphilitic shitbag began his reign of kakistocracy, she was in utter despair. Sometime during the first year, she wrote this to me:

“I was born during one of the country’s darkest times, and now it looks like I’m going to die in another.”

That was hard to read. I cried a lot. She was going through a laundry list of health issues, and I was so afraid that despondency would compound the problems and she’d give up. I worried about her constantly, and even more so after the pandemic hit and I couldn’t go visit her. Before that, I hadn’t seen her for a long time because she’d had several surgeries and wasn’t up for seeing anyone.

BUT. Here we are, four years later. Her surgeries were successful and she’s feeling much better. She did it… she stuck around and outlived the Agolf Twitler presidency. I am so, so relieved and thankful. And I hope I get to see her soon. ♥

Stay well and safe… and have a great weekend, y’all.

Podcast Part 2 is up

For those who listened to Part 1, the second half went on “agoodspankin”‘s site today. I swear, I could have done another two hours with him; it was so much fun. You can find it here. Hope y’all enjoy it!

Wishing everyone a good and safe Thanksgiving. I’m staying home and treating it like an ordinary Thursday, my choice. I did the same thing last year (although I had a cold, so that would have put the kibosh on any potential plans anyway). You guys know I’m not a holiday person anyway… I hope people will congregate safely, and remember that skipping (or cutting down on) festivities this year might help keep you alive for next year. ♥

Aaaand now, after to listening to a bunch of spanky talk, I really feel like playing. (heavy sigh) Hurry up with that damn vaccine, will ya?

Love Our Lurkers 2020

It’s that time of year again, kids! Love Our Lurkers #15! Time to honor the tradition started fifteen years ago by Bonnie and now being faithfully continued by Hermione. Who do we love? Our readers. All of them. This is the time where we give special thanks to the quiet ones, the ones who don’t comment but always read, and hopefully give them a friendly nudge to say hello.

For last year’s LOL post, I mentioned my strange passion for surf guitar instrumentals, and I posted one with an apropos name, “Lurking in the Shadows.” I was pleasantly surprised at how enthusiastically it was received; people loved it! Some said they came to comment just because of the song. So this year, enjoy another surf tune while you read. This one doesn’t have a title that goes with the occasion; I just like it a lot.

Anyway. We all know this has been a clusterfuck of a year and I’m sorry that I haven’t had much to post. Still, I’m grateful for those of you who have stuck around, grateful to other bloggers who still plug on and provide fun, informative reading and pictures.

So please, do come in and say hi. (You don’t have to be a lurker, BTW.) This is a nice opportunity for the spanking community to bond and express appreciation, and for those who may feel shy to speak up. We welcome you!

And be sure to drop in on the other bloggers who are participating as well. Happy LOL 2020, everyone!

Random memories

I have been feeling nostalgic lately. Part of it is due to the recent podcast and the reminiscing over all my scene years, and another part is because play has pretty much been nonexistent since Covid hit. Since I don’t have anything new to blog, I thought perhaps I’d dig into the archives of my brain and tell some stories I probably hadn’t before, and if I did, they were so long ago that no one would remember them. If people enjoy this one, I’ll try to come up with more.

The world of spanking with all its orientations and flavors and varieties requires time to learn. And as you navigate it and discover what works for you (and what doesn’t), sometimes (screw it, all the time) you make mistakes. You try things that don’t work. Something sounds like it could be hot and it falls flatter than a run-over pancake. At the time when they’re happening, they’re cringe-worthy. Hopefully later, you can laugh about them. Because we all go through it.

A loooong time ago (I don’t remember exactly when, but it was early on in my scene explorations), a man answered my ongoing spanking ad on Alt.com. You guys know I have a love/hate relationship with that site. Over the years, it’s mostly been good for CHoS fodder. But on the other hand, I have met many men and had countless experiences from it as well. Anyway, this guy had a nice picture (his face, not his dick), wrote an articulate introduction, and was local. However… he identified as a sub. I replied to him that I was a bottom and while I appreciated his nice intro, I didn’t see how we could be a match. If that were to happen now, I’d firmly say “No, thank you” and move on. But then, I was a lot more easily cajoled. So when he politely insisted that I should meet him for coffee and hear him out, I agreed to do so.

The coffee date was surprisingly pleasant. He was a nice guy in person, easy to talk with, and as it turned out, we’d gone to the same high school. I hadn’t known him, because he was a senior and I was a freshman, but still — small world. We talked for a couple of hours, ended up closing the place. I asked him just how the heck a bottom male would play with a bottom female.

“Easy,” he said. “I’m a bottom. I follow orders. All you have to do is command me to top you. Order me to spank you.”

Uh…

“Think about it,” he urged. “It’s win/win. We both get what we want. I’m doing what you tell me to do, and you’re getting the spanking you desire. Couldn’t be better, right?”

Remember, I was fairly new. I was a lot more willing to experiment back then. And back then, this sounded like it could be feasible. Plus, I liked the guy. I thought he was interesting. So, despite my instincts whispering that I really didn’t think this could work, I said yes and we agreed to a time when he’d come over.

So he came over, we played, it was shockingly wonderful, he was a natural, and I was fulfilled and happy.

In my dreams.

In reality… he tried. He really did. He was polite. I dressed up nicely for him, did everything I could to make him feel comfortable. I assumed the position. He “had his orders.” But he couldn’t deliver.

It was one thing to attempt to carry out the “order” in a physical sense. It was quite another to achieve the proper head space. And that was impossible.

Yeah, he was slapping my butt. Half-heartedly. Timidly. He kept stopping. It was clearly much more painful for him than it was for me. I tried bratting a little, pushing him a bit, but he didn’t know how to play back. The man didn’t have a toppy bone in his body, and he could. Not. Do. This. Oh my god, so awkward. Sooo uncomfortable.

It didn’t go on for very long; I don’t recall which one of us called it quits. I felt a little sorry for him, along with feeling incredibly stupid that I’d thought this might work. I was all for saying good night… but then he said, “I’m really much better at pleasuring than spanking; would you let me?”

Poor guy was trying to save face. Oy vey. Again, if this happened now, I’d say no, thank you. But at the time, I felt like, well, we’re both here, I’m all dressed up, might as well get something out of this? Again, that turned out to be the wrong decision.

He asked me if I had stockings; I said yes, I did. Long story short, he tied me down to my bed, spread-eagled, with my own stockings, and then… you know. That in itself was weird enough, and I wasn’t in the head space for it at all. But what made it even more preposterous was that he seemed to detach from it, split off, become another personality. How did I know? Because, when he wasn’t pleasuring, he was talking… in a strong Scottish burr. Yup. I was hearing stuff like “There ye go… how’s that, lass?” I had a stranger going Sean Connery on my cooch.

Okay, this was just too damn weird for me. Clearly, this whole meeting was a big mistake and I had to end it. So I did my best Meg-Ryan-in-a-deli imitation and he untied me. At least he was happy. I couldn’t wait for him to leave and wanted to shower. And use brain bleach.

Would you believe a day or so later, he contacted me and asked if I’d like to do it again? Was he at the same scene I was?? I was kind and polite, but I told him no, that it was a worthy experiment, but I really didn’t want to repeat it. He understood. It was worth a try, he said.

I wonder now what became of him. I remember now, in the course of our conversations, he had asked me what my ultimate fantasy was. At the time, I really didn’t have an answer, so I asked him for his. He didn’t hesitate, replied right away. “That’s easy; I’d love to die being smothered by a beautiful woman.” I was taken aback. “But, but…” I sputtered. “You’d be dead!” “Yeah,” he said, “but what a way to go!” Ye gods…

So, kids, what did I learn? Spanking is not just a hand slapping a bottom. There is a mindset to go with it. A spanker needs to be a top, or at least a switch. Ordering a bottom to top someone is not a good idea; it satisfies no one. But I guess I had to learn that the wretchedly awkward and embarrassing way. Hey, I do this stuff so you don’t have to! (rolling eyes)

Anyone wanna share their scene fails? Come on, I did.

Podcast is up!

In my recent post, I mentioned I’d done a podcast with “AGoodSpankin” — and Part 1 has been posted! It’s just short of an hour.

It sounds like we’re having fun, just having a friendly conversation. Lots of laughing. Also, keep in mind that I was not told the questions in advance, so I did not have answers prepared. Therefore, everything I said was off the top of my head. Some things I wish I had answered a little better, but overall, I am pleased with it.

Part 2 will be up soon. Meanwhile, I hope some of you will listen, and I do hope you enjoy it! You can find it here.

And Happy Veterans Day to all, past and present. ♥

Podcasts, Jillian Keenan, and…

Hey, kids. Told you I’d be back when I had something positive to talk about. So far, John and I have avoided Covid-19, and the wildfires scared the crap out of me, but didn’t impact John’s house after all. Thanks to the people who checked in with me while I took a break.

Podcasts, you say? I should give some background first. How many of you enjoy watching free videos on Spanking Tube? Have you heard of the gentleman who calls himself “agoodspankin”? He has been shooting videos of himself spanking women since 2010, and has posted about 100 of them on ST. He has quite the mystique, because 1. he has a great voice and his scolding is delicious, and 2. he never shows his face, although you can see his nice build. (By the way, ladies, I’ve seen his picture — he’s easy on the eyes.) Anyway… he and I go back a long time, maybe to 2005? He wrote some spanking books in the early 2000s, and he and I had connected online by then and he asked if I would edit his books. Of course I said yes, and he even put a “thank you” page and a couple of pictures of me at the back of one of them (“Never Too Old to Spank”). He also was instrumental in my discovering Lulu Press for self-publishing my first book in 2007.

Recently, he decided to start doing spanking podcasts. He did the first two by himself, mostly introductory stuff, and then he started interviewing people. His third podcast was of two young women from Georgia, both of whom had played with him and one or both of them, I forget, did a video with him. A couple of weeks ago, he contacted me and asked if I’d like to do an interview. Well, I’ve seen the buzz this man gets on Twitter, how the spanko bottoms go gaga over him and even the spanko tops are impressed and say they could learn a lot about technique from him — my immediate response was “I’d be honored!” He lives on the opposite coast, so we couldn’t meet in person, but he said we could do it over the phone and he’d record it through that, then he could edit it.

Long story short, we did it last Monday. He tries to keep his podcasts around an hour… but we started talking, he got to asking me questions (about growing up spanko without the internet, parties, videos, and so much more) and before we knew it, we had been talking for over two hours. He said he’s going to make it a two-parter, and today he messaged me, said he’s edited it and it sounds really good. When he posts it next week, I’ll link you guys to it. In the meantime, you can read about him (and check out some of his videos, if you’d like), here on Spanking Tube. I had so much fun doing this with him. And talking about our favorite subject was such a blast, we ended up talking on the phone an extra hour past the interview.

Oooh! Just noticed that Ronnie has included the Never Too Old podcast in her latest “In With The New.” Part One of our interview will be put up this coming Wednesday.

Next — I MET JILLIAN KEENAN! The journalist! The author of “Sex With Shakespeare”! The one who has the YouTube channel with the “Kinking Out Loud” series! A few weeks ago, she messaged me on Twitter and asked if by any chance I had some free time to join a socially distanced outdoor meeting close to me, this coming Wednesday. Say what? I said I was working, but if it were indeed near me, I could duck out for a couple of hours. She then asked what parks were closest to me, so I gave her two. Shortly after that, she said she’d checked with “the others” (I had no idea who) and everyone liked one of the parks I’d suggested, so we’d meet there at 4:00.

Mind you, I had no idea what this was about, or who else would be there, but who cares? It was Jillian! It was a chance to have some fun and actually be out among humans! Usually I need to know every detail beforehand of anything I plan to do, but this time I said screw it, just go. It was a pretty day, warm, and the park was gorgeous. Took me a while to find them (the park is huge!), but I finally did.

As it turned out, Jillian and her boyfriend were passing through California on their way back from a very long hike (one hundred eighty-five days!) on the Pacific Crest Trail, and they decided to get together with a few people from here, including a few of the patrons of her YouTube channel. And me!

We had a group of nine, sitting several feet apart from each other on the grass, all wearing masks. Jillian and Dan were so charming — warm, friendly, funny. Her patrons were all very nice. I didn’t know any of them, except for one man who came later, and he looked familiar — turned out I’d met him at a Shadow Lane party two years ago. Small world. Anyway, we all took turns talking, Jillian asking us questions, and two hours zipped by very quickly.

John had said beforehand, “You have to get a picture with Jillian!” So I made sure I did. We’re masked, but you can still tell we’re beaming, right?

What a nice break from pandemic isolation this was! And just a reminder: You can watch/subscribe to Jillian’s videos on YouTube, here.

Hmmm… there was something else. What was it… oh, who am I kidding. I can’t ignore the giant orange elephant in the room.

I suppose people are imagining that I’m dancing, laughing, jumping for joy, gloating, beaming, and so on, right about now. You know what? No. I’m not.

The past eight months have been hell. Pandemic isolation with no end in sight. No play. No meeting up with friends (except for the one time with Jillian), even for a cup of coffee. Wildfires consuming my state and threatening John’s house. Shootings. Protests. And the straw that broke my back: the death of the great Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Followed by having to watch the GOP spit in the face of her legacy, her dying wish, and shove in Amy Coat-hanger Barrett as her successor. What a disgrace. And while thousands upon thousands died (and continue to die), Mango Mussolini sat on his golden throne, ALL-CAPS tweeting, grandstanding and lying, and didn’t give a shit about any of us.

Today, Alex Trebek died. I was a huge fan. Heart is broken once again.

About twelve years ago, my dear talented friend Dave Wolfe, upon finding out that I love rain, drew this joyous caricature of me.

I haven’t felt like this for a very long time. I feel beaten down and tired. I ache — body, heart and soul. I’m sickened by what I see in a country I used to be proud of. I know Joe Biden is not the Messiah. I know there is no instant fix to what is broken. We are anything but the “United” States. Our country is divided. I don’t think I will see things resolve in my lifetime. I am still scared of the future.

But I can timidly exhale. I can go to sleep and not be afraid of what I might wake up to. I can feel like the country is in the hands of a man, not an overgrown monstrous child. A child who, as I write, is throwing tantrums, screaming “I WON” and “FRAUD” to his base, and refusing to concede. He is going to make this the most contentious and ugly transition in history. He will fight it to the death, and he will pull every trick he can. He gets his way, all the time, no matter how he has get it. So why wouldn’t he now? Therefore, no joy here. Just a very cautious hope.

Still, I feel like I’ve been offered a cup of warm, soothing cocoa after four years of nothing to drink but orange Kool-Aid laced with battery acid.

Joe Biden is asking for unity. For us to stop hating each other and heal. I would like that, but I don’t see it happening. Still, I feel like things might move in a better direction. (They pretty damn well have to.) Someday, this @#$%ing pandemic will be handled properly and we can all get our lives back. Well… not 238,000 of us, but you know what I mean. And maybe, just maybe, I will feel that unbridled joy again. But right now, I am shell-shocked. For a while, I’m just going to cry. Exhausted, grieving, and yes, relieved.

When I started this blog back up after a year of hiatus, I said I didn’t want to talk about politics. This post is an exception; I don’t plan to make a habit of it. But I have one more thing to say.

For the past four years, some folks of the Republican persuasion have taunted and insulted me. They have called me: Libtard. Retard. Snowflake. Whiner. Crybaby. Ugly bitch. Granny porn star. And more, but I think you get the idea. Posted pictures of horribly unattractive people and likened me to them. Oh, and let’s not forget sneering at me to suck it up, because Trump would be my president through 2024.

Well, you lovely people… first, shame on all of you. I hope you feel good about yourselves. And second — expending all that energy hating on me so hard had to burn a whole lot of calories. Perhaps you’d like to replenish some of them with a little snack.

Look out for the orange ones!

Godspeed, and go fuck yourselves. Because I don’t forgive you.

Hoping for better days. For those who are still hanging in there with me, thank you. ♥