Drop is real

This morning, I watched Jillian Keenan’s latest video about Spanko Drop, something that many of us can relate to. It’s the sucky side of what we do, the what-goes-up-must-come-down reality of it. I think she detailed it well and covered all the salient points. We all need to know what this is, that we’re normal, and that we’re not alone.

And that it will pass. I am reminding myself of that right now, actually.

Last week I got to play. It was intense and lovely and stimulating and exciting. C was sweet and did all the right things, checking in with me in the days that followed. I wish more tops understood about how some of us need those check-ins. Then again, we bottoms need to make that need known more, it seems. We just expect that the top knows. Not always the case.

My stress levels have been off the charts recently for various reasons. After my scene last week, I think my body finally rebelled, everything surfaced, and my legs erupted in hives. I get these periodically, stress hives, and there’s nothing I can do about them except take Zyrtec, douse them with calamine lotion, Benadryl cream, and aloe vera, and wait them out, willing myself not to scratch them and trying not to fixate on how ugly they are. Then I went to my chiropractor with my right hip hurting and he said those muscles were in spasm. Oh, goody. So I slogged through the rest of the week itching and hurting and struggling to keep up with work and do what needed to be done.

Now I feel a little better physically… but my mood is blech. And I’m recognizing it as drop. “Yeah, but you got to play!” I hear people saying. I did. But I don’t know when I will again. I’m feeling so out of the loop with the community I once called home. I’m missing friends I once had. Still dealing with Covid isolation and struggling to figure out what’s okay and what isn’t. I don’t want to live in the past. I want to forge ahead and make new memories, have more joys. And have them more frequently.

So yeah, I guess I’m droppy today. Which is totally normal. Knowing that makes it much more acceptable. I am grateful I have a name to put to these feelings, a very real physiological and emotional reason for them. It’s the adult version of post-birthday crash. Or post holidays, or whatever thrilled us and wound us up as kids.

Here’s to self-care. Here’s to compassion and empathy for people dealing with this. And here’s to knowing that we are okay.

The face of fulfillment

Right here. This woman.

Why do I take a selfie every time I play? Simple. I want to remember how good I felt.

It was a bit late, but I finally got my birthday spanking yesterday. I still can’t believe that C drove 10 hours from Oregon, played with me for a couple of hours, and then turned around and drove back. I feel… special. ♥

We met at the same hotel he’d stayed at last time, around 10 a.m. Because he was leaving that same day to head back, we didn’t have a long preamble, just got right into our play. I saw that he had laid out several implements — two straps, a hairbrush, a cane, and… what?? A skinny wooden paddle?? I squawked at that, and he said that there had to be just a taste of wood. (Who says?? Humph.)

This room had a couch, so we made immediate use of it, with a nice long warm-up OTK. C warms up so slowly and gradually, I’m never fully aware of just how hard it ends up being. By the time he is going full bore, I’m so zoned out, I’m absorbing it like a sponge. Soon, it was time to move to the bed, lie over pillows, and feel the implements, along with a lot more of his hand.

I felt the magic happening from the start. All the stress and anxiety of recent weeks slipped away, and I was in the moment, soaking up the sensations. Because I have trained myself (for the most part, anyway) not to scream and yell (video was one thing; playing in my apartment is another), I heard my telltale sounds slipping out into the pillow — the groans, the yips, the squeaks, the gritted-teeth growls. I could tell he ramped things up a bit from last time; I had to hunker down, breathe deep and concentrate through some of the flurries. So damned intense.

I vaguely remember the two straps. One of them felt completely sublime; the other had a real bite to it. I meant to ask him which was which, but of course, I forgot.

He went up and down my thighs, even a little bit on the insides of them. He’s a big fan of the sit spots. Holy crap… by the time we got to the cane, I was feeling tenderized. He stood at my left hip, tapping the cane up and down, throwing in hard strikes, mixing it up, surprising me every time. It was delicious. At one point, he stopped and walked around to the other side of the bed, so he was now striking from my right. My bleary mind went “Huh??” but I waited to see what he had in mind. I felt the tip of the cane tap-tap-tap on my left upper thigh, and then swat, a stinging cut hit me there, making me rear up and screech a bit. “Ah, there it is,” he mused, and then went on to explain that I had a cane stripe on my right thigh, and he had to create a matching one on the left so I wouldn’t be lopsided.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do I harp on and on about? Uneven coverage! (Although I think it was Ten who trademarked the phrase “Make it even.”) It’s true… I hate it. You’ve all seen them — the pictures where the bottom’s left cheek is pink and red, and the right cheek looks like it was run over by a tractor and thrown on a barbecue grill. Blech! So, of course my words and sentiments were coming back to bite me. In the best way, of course.

I do look nice and even, no? See, one stripe on each thigh.

“Do you remember when I said this was going to be challenging,” he asked, back at my left side, hunkering close to me. “Ye-e-e-s?” I answered. “Take a deep breath,” he said.

Hard, long, fast flurries followed. He did this two or three times, I forget which. Once for sure with his hand and once with the hairbrush. He held me tight so I could barely squirm as I screamed into the pillow. And then we were done. I collapsed into the pillows, breathing hard, dimly aware of him moving around, putting lotion on me, rubbing my back, lifting my hair and wiping the back of my neck with a towel (we had the AC on, yet somehow, things got very warm).

We wound down a bit and talked, but he needed to get on the road, so I put myself to rights and he walked me to my car. He said next time, he’ll plan to stay longer, so we can hang out a bit more. I would like that. But I know how very busy his life is. I was beyond grateful for what he gave me.

When I got home, I was wired. I felt no pain. I felt nothing but the fizzing in my veins. So I worked, I worked out, I was a machine, cranking things out. Because I knew the crash was coming. Sure enough… this morning when I woke up, I felt like I’d been hit by a bus (again, in the best possible way). Somehow, with the help of caffeine and Tylenol, I got moving. But all day so far, my brain has felt like oatmeal. Ah, for the luxury of hunkering down under a comforter all day. Adulting blows.

But I wouldn’t change a thing.

Thank you, C. ♥

Been a while…

Almost two months, to be exact. So what’s been going on? In the past couple of months, John and I celebrated our 25th anniversary together, and I had another birthday. The latter was last week and there were many fun treats and surprises. If I tried to list everything I received, I’d probably forget someone or something and cause hurt feelings, so I’ll just say I loved everything!

Oh, and the wonderful Dave Wolfe immortalized me yet again in another birthday toon! I love these so much. And love you, Wolfie!!

I mentioned this on his blog, but I really do appreciate the chesticular enhancements he gave me.

In non-birthday present news, a friend on Twitter sent me (gulp) a personalized clothes brush. You know, like a hairbrush, but bigger and heavier?

I was very tickled and touched by this, but ya know, I need to be careful who I allow to handle this. Clothes brushes are mean little mofos! The last time I had an encounter with one, I ended up like this:

Ow. The same gentleman also sent me a DVD he’d burned for me with several hours of Beatles footage, including “Yellow Submarine” (which I haven’t seen since I was a kid) and the wonderful documentary “The Compleat Beatles” (which I haven’t seen since I had it on VHS in the 80s). How cool is that?

Back to the birthday — okay, so I got flowers and chocolates and cake and bubble bath and jigsaw puzzles and coffee cups and facial mask and candles and a UPS (Uninterruptible Power Supply) and and and and… but no spanking. (sigh) However! That is going to be rectified, belatedly. My friend C from Oregon is coming for another visit! I will be seeing him Monday morning. Squeeee! He has promised to make this one “challenging” (what, the last one wasn’t??), and said I should get as much work done as possible this week because next week I won’t feel like sitting. Oy… I’m screwed. And I love it. Can’t wait.

Stay tuned for a play report next week!

In other news, I have deactivated from FetLife, for personal reasons. That cuts out yet another connection to our community — but right now, the spanking community is so fractured, I wonder if it will ever be whole again. (sigh) I wish I had a local posse like I used to… and ways to connect with them without having to wade through the cesspool that is Alt.com. I met with a man from there last week; he was nice enough, but a total mismatch. I have made it crystal clear that I am a spanking fetishist, that this isn’t about sex for me, and that I seek men who feel the same way and would enjoy a spanking scene as much as I do. This guy? All about sex. But “open-minded” and willing to learn to do something if it turned me on. (sigh again) Guys… that’s not the same thing. I appreciate the thought, but it’s absolutely not the same. I don’t want you to play with me because that’s what I like, and meanwhile, you’re fantasizing about post-spanking blowjob. Also, at this stage in my life, I really don’t want to play teacher. I want to be able to relax into a session and know I’m in experienced and good hands.

Where are the spankos? I know you’re out there, dammit!! I am here waiting for you…

Life got you down??

Got the Delta blues? Worried about the planet frying to a crisp? Fed up with politics? Up to here with ignorance, selfishness, flakiness, irresponsibility? Tired of the endless stream of negativity in the news? Pissed off about the new Jeopardy! host? Are you unpopular? Do you poop out at parties? Do you suffer from the heartbreak of psoriasis??

Are you just fucking sick to death of everything??

Well, get your ass beat and forget about it for a little while. I did.

Yes, I had a visit from Mr. Woodland again last night. And was damn grateful for it, especially after worrying about how it might fall through. He was running late with work, and then mid-afternoon, my AC decided to spring a leak and start dripping all over my carpet. Auggh! I was afraid I’d have to turn it off, and it was nearly 100 degrees outside — no way could we play with no AC. However, my manager dropped over, took a look, said there was a clog that was causing backup and told me the AC people would come the next day — and meanwhile, I could keep running it (he put a bucket under the leak). Whew!!

Mr. W arrived about 6:30-ish — I was ready with chilled water and cookies and we sat and talked for a little while, catching up. I shared about what’s been going on with me, the frustration and anger and powerlessness of it all, and he announced that he was going to spank all that stress right out of me. Well, okay then, have at it, please!

As you might remember from our last scene, we had to cut it short because I was marking so heavily. I’m happy to report that this time, that wasn’t an issue. Early on, the conversation went something like this:

Him: “Hmm… looks like you’ll have a mark right here.”
Me: “I can live with that.”
Him: “Looks like you’re gonna have to.”
Me: “Oooh… yes, SIR.”
Him: “Good girl!”
Me: “Oh, fuck off. Don’t you know sarcasm when you hear it?”

And we were off.

The whole scene is one big blur of fun for me. I remember a lot of laughter — both mine and his. (I love making tops laugh!) We did a good long hand warm-up on my couch, with plenty of banter, and then he had me move to the ottoman. Aaaand then s**t got real, as the kids say. He broke out the heavy artillery from his toy bag — he knows my preference is leather and he had quite the assortment of goodies, including a brand-new strap. He gleefully announced that he’d been thinking about me when he bought it… oh, joy. :-Þ

Before I knew it, the best part happened — the transition. When I start to go into my zone, stop talking, stop sassing, and just sink into the feelings. It’s around that time that animal sounds start coming out of me. I could kinda sorta hear his voice floating above me, saying things like, “Yeah.” “That’s it.” “There it is.” “Wow.” “Ah, it’s just like music.”

Toward the end, he leaned over me, smoothed my hair with his hand and murmured, “How’re you doing, killer?” Harrumph! I beg your pardon? Who are you calling “killer”? Then he teasingly asked me, “Still like leather?” Somehow, I managed to pant, “Yes… I’m just not sure I still like you.”

He had me come back to the couch over his lap to finish me off. By then I was so far gone that everything felt like a caress. After that, I tucked into the circle of his arm and we talked a while longer, winding down. He took off a bit after 9:00, both of us agreeing that this had been a wonderful time. The energy was amazing.

And of course, once again I forgot all about pictures. (He did say next time he’ll be sure to take some.) So I went old school again and set up my camera with the timer. I was already faded a bit by now, but you can still see what a good job he did.

Today, I’m sleepy, spacey, and wishing for the quazillionth time that I could bottle post-spanking euphoria.

Thank you once again, Mr. W. And now, reality intervenes too soon — just got some work emailed to me, so back I go. Hope everyone is staying safe and well. ♥

Okay, so flexibility isn’t all bad…

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote this post about trying to get together with a new potential play partner, and how he’d issued a last-minute invitation that I had to turn down. We left it that he would contact me after he was back from a two-week vacation and we’d try again. I assumed this try would be a bit more planned.

Then this past Monday afternoon I got a text from him, essentially saying that a Tuesday late morning meeting had been canceled and he could come to my place for a couple of hours; sorry for the last-minute notice but could I swing it?

Oy.

Have I mentioned I really suck at spontaneity? My first reaction to it is always to be rattled. Fortunately, because it was a text, I had some time to think about it. Last time, I said no, because I had legitimate reasons to do so — a lot of work, stressed out over car problems, etc. However, this time, work was under control, car was fine, my place was reasonably tidy, and I really had no reason to say no. And if I kept saying no, eventually he was going to stop asking.

I texted back and said that I had really hoped our first time wouldn’t be last-minute and rushed. And he replied, “My whole life is last-minute and rushed, but I understand and I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. We can try for something next week. Or we can get together tomorrow and just talk about limits and so on, if you prefer.” And with that, I I knew I was going to say yes, come on over. I mean, he was being so nice and trying to work with me; the least I could do was attempt to meet him halfway.

Yesterday I got up early (well, early for me, 8:00 a.m.), got dressed and ready, and settled in to work until I got a text from him saying he was on his way. He was already forewarned about the horrible parking on my street. When he arrived, we sat and talked for about an hour. As he’d mentioned before, he had played many times in the past, but hadn’t for quite a while, so he was open to any guidance. I didn’t want to bombard him with too many limits and preferences at the outset, so I gave him the two immediate hard limits: 1. scolding is okay, but no name-calling/berating. I don’t do the degradation thing; and 2. stay the hell away from the back door. As for tips, just a couple: cup your hand to the bottom cheek, so you get a crisp smack instead of a dull thud, and make sure to give each cheek equal time. “You’d be surprised to know how many right-handed tops are constitutionally incapable of spanking a left cheek,” I added.

And so we played! Turns out he’s ambidextrous, so he can use both hands equally well. (groan) He’s a big guy (6′ 4″) and has the big strong hands one would expect to go with his height. We didn’t use any implements this first time, but he sure as hell didn’t need any. He built up slowly, getting a feel for things, and I was delighted and giggly at how good it felt. I mean, you never know with someone until you’re actually in the position and it’s happening. It’s like a first anything — first kiss, first sex, etc. But I was quite pleased.

Oh, and he really took to heart the bit about giving the left cheek equal attention. At one point, he was whaling on that one cheek over and over and over until I finally blurted, “For fuck’s sake, I’ve got two of them!” He laughed and said, “Well, you said…” Yeah, I said. Me and my big mouth.

Here’s the best news — the scene was good enough for me to slip into my zone, that realm of spaciness where I just feel, bury my face and make noises, stop thinking. I knew I was toast when he asked if I needed a break, and I mumbled, “I don’t know… you decide.” So he went a while longer and then he chose when to end things, which is exactly the way I like it. Even better… I think (I hope!) he enjoyed himself as much as I did. He was very complimentary.

We talked a bit about our opposite personalities — me being a planner and a scheduler and him being one whose schedule was always in flux — and he said he appreciated that I’d stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted this play date with little notice. Hopefully we could plan things out a bit better in the future. At least he knows where I’m coming from, so we’ll see how this goes.

After he left, a little after noon, I had work and workout facing me and I didn’t feel like doing any of it, I was so spacey. However, after some coffee and food, I perked up, got a second wind, and I ended up doing a killer workout and getting all my work done. Slept like the dead last night! Today I have some deep muscle soreness, but I’m not marked, except for one small blotch in the center of my left cheek and a few speckles underneath the right one. Perhaps last week we got into implements too soon? Who knows. Sorry, didn’t get any pictures. Maybe next time.

In summation — yesterday, a FetLife friend asked, “Isn’t it so great to fucking play again??!”

Yes. Oh, yes indeed, it fucking well is. ♥

Mr. Woodland Returns

And he was well worth waiting for. beaming

It had been, what, two years? Longer? I lost track. But it was so lovely to see him again. He had come straight from a work meeting, so he was in a coat and tie and looked spiffy as ever. We had a lot of catching up to do, so I broke out the cookies and Reese’s and we sat and chatted for an hour or more. Then at an appropriate ending point, he said, “Okay, let’s get you spanked!” Yes, let’s, shall we?

It had been a busy day, work and working out and getting ready. And of course, since I almost never wear makeup these days, and was feeling especially joyous, I wanted a picture. Once again, I’m reminded of just how much spanking takes me to my happiest place. Not just the act of it, but everything about it — the rituals, the anticipation, the camaraderie, the endorphin surges, the stress release, and so on. When I have dark times and depression, I need to remember that sometimes I feel like this.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

We began on the couch with me OTK. He’d brought a toy bag this time — this was new! On previous visits, he’d just used his hand and his belt (and he’s wonderfully proficient with both). He said he’d bought some new things and wanted to try them out/break them in. (Thanks a lot…)

Even before we got to the implements, Mr. W commented that I was marking already, to which I scoffed. Please! He asked how I felt about being marked, was I okay with it, etc. I said I was — he asked how much marking was acceptable. I wouldn’t say this to just anyone, but I trust him, so… “I’m all yours.” “Okay, remember you said that!” he teased.

He remembered that I’m not fond of wood and prefer leather, so he brought out this very nifty little strap that I liked immediately. There were a few more things, I don’t remember the order, some I enjoyed more than others. “I need to put you over that ottoman,” he mused. “You can do that,” I answered. “Oh? Can I?” Oh, dear. “What — should I have said ‘you may do that’?” He laughed. “Yup, there she is!”

It was fun — I was giggling my head off. He was bantering with me, complimenting me (“I remember this ass! Ah, I could slap this all day long!”). We slipped right back into our comfortable groove. Once again, he mentioned that I was marking, and once again, I pooh-poohed it.

We moved to my ottoman, so he could “get a better swing.” gulp Once I was situated, he used the leather strap again and a few other things, and I was at that point where I was teetering between pain and the beautiful abyss of the sub zone. Then, reluctantly, he stopped.

“You are really marking,” he said. Nooo! Surely he’s exaggerating! I can’t be marking! I don’t mark! Not this soon, anyway! But he took my phone and snapped a picture, and showed it to me. Oh… my. (please forgive the extreme close-up)

But no way did I want to stop, so I told him it was okay and we continued for a little longer. And then… he said, “You know, I think you’re done.” While I didn’t want the scene to end, I fully appreciated how conscientious and caring he was. He didn’t want to cause harm. Every top needs to take a page from this man’s playbook. I asked if he would finish me off with his hand, and he happily did so.

He’d worked up a sweat, and I wanted to do something nice for him, so I sat in my recliner, had him sit on a pillow at my feet and I gave him a head and neck massage. I’ve been told I’m good at those, and I know he enjoys them. Then we relaxed on the couch for a while to talk and wind down. He asked if I was okay, did I need him to stay longer, and I said no, no, I’m fine, I feel great. And I did.

After he left, I wanted to get some more pictures while I still had color. My phone wouldn’t cut it, so I set up my trusty old digital camera with the timer.

It had faded a little, but you can still see the whitish spots in the center. (And for those of you who notice other things, that Beatles tumbler was a gift from my dear friend Jay.)

Of course, we can’t have Erica pictures without the Erica smirk.

Once done with that, I settled down to relax for the evening. I was deliciously sore and blissful.

Okay, so what’s with this marking nonsense? Pshaw… it would all be gone today, right?

Wrong. This is twenty-four hours later.

Well, kids… I hate to say it, but I think we need a moment of silence. The Bionic Bottom is no more. My once impervious flesh that faded immediately and self-healed is merely a memory. sniff Damn. Shocking, I know. I suppose if I went back to regular and constant play, I might toughen back up. But damned if I don’t have newbie butt again. Oh well… if this is my sole casualty from the pandemic, I should just shut up and deal.

Anyway — I received expression permission from Mr. W to post this; if any of you are on FetLife and would like to check him out, you can find him here. My friend, you are a gem and a gentleman. Thank you. Don’t be a stranger. ♥