Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Strange Days Indeed

Most peculiar, Mama.

No, I’m not losing my mind (yet). It’s a song lyric.

Life is change. Which sucks, if you’re a person like me who hates change. Therefore, coming to terms with it is a process and a struggle. Feeling the need to ramble a bit, and not knowing where to put it, I return here, to my failsafe.

Those of you who have been with me for a long time know that the theme of my life was “I’m different.” Not just because of my kink, but overall, in so many ways. I scrambled and bumbled my way through the first half of my life, never feeling like I quite fit in anywhere.

For the longest time, I desperately craved to fit in somewhere, anywhere. Then in my 30s, after a lot of self-examination, I came to realize that yeah, while I was an oddball sort, I no longer cared. I was who I was. And really, fitting in with the straight and narrow and the expected wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. As a very wise friend said, “I don’t think you can help being different, Erica, so maybe you should just stop worrying about it.”

And with self-examination and exploration came my entry into TTWD. And after that, I got involved in “the scene.” The spanking community. The party groups, and later, the video groups, the blogosphere, all the related pockets of people who love spanking and everything about it. It was never perfect. There were always bumps and clashes and rollercoaster emotions.

But. I belonged somewhere. For years. I felt like I was part of the fabric of something. Not just something peripheral, like a decorative button, but deeply woven into it. These feelings were new to me, and I never took them for granted, because I’d never known them before. I liked them. And oh my God, nothing brought those feelings home like the spanking parties. My people. My friends. My peers. My bubble of unreality, where real life went away for a few hours or a few days and we immersed ourselves in hedonistic joy.

However, life goes on, and as I’d mentioned, life changes. Bodies, minds, situations change. And the happiest people are those who adapt and roll with it.

I’m not a very good adapter.

A strange thing has happened. Within the past six months, I have been to three separate spanking events. I enjoyed all three. I played at all three, had laughs, got hugs, did all the things. But I didn’t feel the same. I felt angst and otherness. And for the first time, the good didn’t outweigh the bad.

Why? That is what I’m in the process of accepting. So many changes. Some are me. Some are outside of me. All combine to make me feel like I’ve lost something, and perhaps it’s inevitable. Because that’s how life is.

The party scene has changed a lot, in many ways. I could list some of them, but I’m not going to. Because if I do, there will be readers out there who feel like I’m criticizing and shaming the changes, and I don’t want that. I am not saying anything is wrong. I’m saying it’s different. And I have that square peg feeling more and more. That “not enough” feeling. I didn’t “evolve” with the scene. I am of a past mind. I suppose some of that is simply due to ageing, and seeing so many people who are decades younger than I am. But it’s also just who I am. I like things a certain way. My niche in the scene is specific. And I don’t fit in like I used to. I can’t participate in so many of the various role-plays and games of the scene. I’m not a little or a middle. I’m not a student. I’m not one who enjoys period costumes and other cos play. I don’t have elaborate scenario fantasies. I don’t want a mommy, a daddy, an uncle or a teacher. I’m just a grown woman who wants to be spanked by a grown man. More and more, I feel like I’m the oddball. Again.

Also… the national party scene has gone through a lot in recent years. Mind you, there was always drama. Anywhere you find groups of people, you find drama. But when #MeToo hit our scene, it hit hard. Abuse was exposed. Stories went viral. People I’ve known and cared about for years were brought into question. Sides were taken, and it was no longer okay to choose not to take them. If you didn’t, you were considered part of the problem. And honestly, I don’t think I have the stomach for it anymore, especially since I’m really not in the loop these days. I can’t keep track of who hates whom, who is a must to avoid, who I’m supposed to be nice to even if I don’t like them because I don’t want them as an enemy, who’s rape-y, who’s back-stabby, who’s two-faced and gossipy, who is real and trustworthy and who isn’t. On the grand party scale, it’s just too overwhelming.

So… I’ve been trying something different. Trying to find something on a smaller, more local scale. I have dipped my toes into a couple of munches. I will go to more. I need to find different ways to scratch the spanking itch. Because I don’t think the big events are going to make me happy, not like they used to.

There is a party in Vegas next month. Of course, there is a part of me that craves to be there. There are people I wish I could see. I want to play. I want the hugs. I want the bubble. But then I remember the reality of the last party, where I had a great time, but I also struggled. I spent way too much time alone in my room. I cried too much. And I spent way too damn much time of the weekend feeling like a spare button instead of part of the fabric. That was reality. The good times were great. I don’t regret going, even after catching Covid. The party owners did a great job. But this time, I don’t feel like risking it. It feels like a lot of time and effort and money to shove myself in like a mismatched puzzle piece. Not because anyone is doing anything wrong. But simply because things change. I used to feel like I was home, at a big spanking party. Not so much anymore.

When you spend half your life feeling like you don’t belong, and then you finally do belong somewhere, it is one hell of a wrench to feel like you’ve lost that. I am dealing with a lot of grief these days. A lot of new realities. It’s definitely a life transition, and I’ve never been one to transition smoothly. I kick and scream and fight it. Until depression takes over. Then I withdraw. Then it’s even harder to do the things so I can find a new path. Last Thursday there was a local munch. I know and like the person who put it together, I know and like several people who were going. I wanted to go. But I didn’t. It was cold and drizzly out, I was tired and down, and I simply didn’t have the spoons to get my ass in the car and drive there. That’s on me.

My therapist says that perhaps I’m having an existential crisis. That’s a bit too dramatic for me. I’m not in a crisis. I’m functional. I’m working. I get up, I get dressed, I do the things. But yeah, I’m questioning who I am and where my place is, these days. And I’m sad. So perhaps it’s an existential bleccchhhh. An existential “fuck this.”

And now that I’ve written all this, I’m questioning whether or not to post it. Because it’s so damn raw. But I’ve always been real on here. I’ve always been who I am, the good and the bad. And damned if I’m going to change that.

So, kids. Thanks for reading. ♥ Oh, and just to return to topic briefly — those cane stripes from New Year’s? Those took three weeks to completely fade. I think that has to be a record for me. Not something I think I want to repeat, but it was quite the experience, with people I trust, and I wouldn’t undo it.

Single Post Navigation

17 thoughts on “Strange Days Indeed

  1. I’m glad you wrote that. There are some things in that post that I relate to. But not the parties, as I have never been to one.



  2. Oh sis, I’m sorry. This weirdo thinks you belong. If not in “the party scene,” you certainly have people who care about you and want you around. You’ll get through this transition, if that’s what you want or must do, and find joy in new places. That’s the silver lining of impermanence. I ❤ you.


  3. Thank you for sharing this. Maybe it is coming from a raw place, but that’s what makes it meaningful.

    “As a very wise friend said, ‘I don’t think you can help being different, Erica, so maybe you should just stop worrying about it.'” That was a wise friend, indeed. It’s too bad more don’t have one of those.

    I can’t relate to the post with respect to the spanking party scene, as I’ve never been a part of it. But I kind of can with respect to the very small on-line community I’ve built around F/m spankings of the DD variety. It’s not that I’ve lost the sense of community but, rather, it’s just never gelled enough to make it a real community in the first place. Several of us have become as close as electronic communications allow you to be, but because there isn’t a pre-existing “scene* for our particular relationship dynamic, and because many of us were so paranoid for so long about being “outed,” it hasn’t resulted in many real, flesh and blood relationships. Community is a really powerful thing, and it sounds like that’s really what you’re missing right now.

    I do think sometimes you can age out of certain groups or networks even if they once meant a lot to you. I feel that way these days about my professional network. I once was a peer member of it, but now when I engage it feels more like I’m a member emeritus. When I took a pause from it, life went on for everyone else. It’s kind of sad, but as you said, life does move on even if some of us fight it hard. Hopefully for you it just means that particular outlet may not be the thing for you going forward but something new can come along if you stay open to it.



  4. Jenny Bell on said:

    Hi! Erica, hang in there, everything will settle for you in time. Bye for now, Jenny.


  5. soreismore on said:

    Wow, Erica! I need to read it all from the beginning but sorry it’s too late right now. Being very new to the whole blogosphere sucks big time, always feeling being late for the great party as the golden days are gone, not knowing who is who (you come highly recommended!) only to discover more and more great blogs that gone cold. Please please don’t be one of them! Yes, for people who do not like change, it sucks. I hear it all the time about myself, you changed, like it being a bad thing, but I do like my changes, I own them, some I deliberately made myself. Maybe that’s what make it different? Bending the changes to suit you?

    Please read my new manifesto, Never in Anger, it might cheer you up for a bit!


  6. Just want to mention that you can be in crisis and function at the same time. I think it’s easy to dismiss your own feelings and internally scold yourself for feeling them because YOU’RE FINE DAMNIT.

    So many of these communities are online now that in some ways it seems like it’s hard to exist in that sphere without sacrificing a great deal of your day-to-day existence. I’m not sure if that makes sense, or if it’s part of what you’re experiencing, but I know for me it’s been a different kind of sad to find people I really connect with online, then realize I simply do not have the bandwidth to maintain those connections. And in addition to the loss of community, that just feels an awful lot like disappearing.


  7. I’m glad you posted it. It’s a valuable take on what’s going on, and it also helps me understand what you’re going through a bit, too.


  8. I have never been to a spanking party. I hope some day to have worked-up the courage to both attend and participate. But I am so sorry to read your heart-felt words, Erica! You ought to be greeted as an honored guest, a royal personage, a potentate emeritus!
    I share (& always have) your feelings of “otherness, outsider-ship.” Keep on keepin’ on!
    Jean Marie


  9. Prefectdt — they are definitely a special experience. The fact that an introvert like me could love 3-4 days of being immersed in a throng of people says a lot.

    Lily — one thing that never changes is what a good and supportive friend you are. Thank you. I ♥ you too.

    Dan — yes. I’m missing community. Even loners like me need that. Thank you for your thoughts.

    Jenny — thank you.

    Soreismore — yes, there is a huge difference between choosing to make changes and having them imposed upon you. The former makes you feel powerful; the latter feels more powerless and sad. I wish you could have been around in the blogosphere heyday — it was amazing. But things are always in flux online. Hell, I’m ancient enough to remember when MySpace was a big thing.

    Xen — you are correct in that much of the community has gone virtual. And even more so than before. It used to be that everyone spoke through public blogs and sites like FetLife. Now, it seems people have migrated onto phone apps like Telegram. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t have time for endless phone chats. I don’t know how anyone keeps up with them. It made me sad that after the last party, there was NO online talk about it… it was all in apps, I hear. (sigh) Hard to deal with drop when you can’t connect with people after the fact.

    Rich — I endeavor to be understood, although in reality I gave up on that long ago and decided to strive for acceptance instead.

    Jean Marie — oh, goodness. Thank you, but it doesn’t work that way. More than ever before, people have very short attention spans. Headliners become a footnote. It’s the way of the world.
    For someone like me, who never thought I’d be special in any way, it was an amazing time, and I’m grateful.


    • KDPierre on said:

      Like some have said, I too can relate to some of the emotional isolation aspects of this and not to the other “party” parts. Also, I’m older than you and can tell you that some things that seemed like such an integral part of my identity did shift with age. But since life is a progressive and later a degenerative process, that makes sense. I can’t physically do some of what I used to, and maybe it’s good that emotionally I don’t feel the need for some of it.

      I also have grown more objectively realistic about humans. Some would say ‘cynical’ because the conclusions are not cheery, but I stand by the objectivity of these observations and conclusions. Part of my current position is that I think we are programmed for disappointment. It seems inescapable and I believe it is because we are imbalanced in our overall evolution as a species. Basically our brains are too big for what our bodies and reality can provide. We have such an enormous capacity to picture perfection without any genetic means to balance our expectations with reality. As a species, we are obsessed with a level of ‘happiness’ that is essentially unattainable. It’s like how people get so focused on Christmas that the day can’t possibly live up to the expectations we ourselves invented in countless stories.

      However, that same brain can come up with alternatives in ways our less evolved earth cohabitants can’t. Just find yours. It sounds like that is already what you’re attempting. Smart move. There’s no sense in trying to force enjoying that which is no longer as enjoyable as it once was……..even if that ‘once’ lasted decades and seems integral to our identity. Our identity is more plastic than that. It is what it is in the moment….the ‘us’ now. Good luck.


  10. KD — I am often called cynical as well. Sometimes pessimistic. I prefer “realistic,” because it’s not so much that I always expect the worst, but I certainly don’t expect the best, either.

    And yes, trying to shove myself into what no longer works isn’t my thing. It’s just mourning what has passed that I find so difficult.

    By the way — I certainly don’t intend to turn anyone off to the idea of parties. Yes, they have had their dramas and traumas, because a broad mix of people are involved, excitement is high, things like sleep and eating properly are put aside, and there is a lot of potential for emotional meltdown. BUT. They have also been some of the greatest times of my life, and the most validating of who I am as well.


  11. Hugob00m on said:

    I understand how is to feel like an outsider. Growing up, I had no idea anyone shared my intense interest in spankings. Spankings were considered a punishment by most people I knew.

    In addition to wanting to spank a girl, just to feel her bottom jiggle under my hand, I also had an interest in drawings depicting pretty women getting spanked. I used to draw them and then immediately destroy them.

    Lately I have had a sense of belonging in Chicago Spanking Review. I post some of my spanking cartoons, and some people actually like them. I know that won’t last forever, but, like you, when change comes, I’ll survive


  12. Dear Erica.

    I think I understand what you’re describing. I’ve been fortunate to work for the same employer for decades. I carved out a niche that was mine. Colleagues looked to me as the go-to resource. But over the past few years, my peers have, one-by-one, disappeared into retirement or some other monumental life change. Their Millennial replacements aren’t hostile, but they don’t find what I have to say particularly relevant. Working from home when others aren’t compounds the disconnection.

    I love my job. I think I’m good at it. I want to continue, but it feels less rewarding than it once did. So I think I get it. Change is not always improvement. Existential? Yeah, kinda that.

    But you and I are survivors. However reluctantly, we can and do adapt. Because the alternative is worse.

    Please know you still have plenty of loyal fans and followers in whatever medium you choose. We love you and that won’t change.



  13. Bonnie — you absolutely get it. I knew you would. Thank you. ♥


  14. Yea. Times change Erica. And I think I can relate to what you are describing.
    I grew up feeling like I was most often “along”, rather than “a part of” the group of people I was around. The kids I went to school with. The other sports dancers I grew up around and so on. I had a few steady friends over the years, but realistically I was in my mid- to late teens, before I really found a community I fit in with. The tabletop and later roleplayers (as in D&D and Live Action Roleplay aka. LARP). The other geeks and nerds. As the internet evolved, I found online forum where I could discuss things with other people who shared my interest. But as with all things, the world evolves, and I’ve found myself leaving several forums behind, as the world have grown more polarized, and as I’ve grown older. I can still debate TTRPG stuff with a 16 year old, but to be honest, I don’t have the same thing in common with him as I did 25 years ago. I’m lucky the way that a lot of people my own age still play these games, and that I have a group of real life friends who engage in it too. But times change.
    It’s a much different situation for me, but I understand where you are coming from.
    I hope that you will keep this blog up, and that you will once again find yourself a group of people you feel the same kind of kinship with, and where you can climb inside the “bubble” you describe. That place where you truly belong, and are amongst peers.


Come on, you know you want to say something.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: