First things first…
Some of you might have noticed I posted a blog a week or so ago and then deleted it. I decided I didn’t like it; it was too negative and there really wasn’t anything anyone could say to it. Essentially, I did a social thing and felt like a misfit, and it set me back a ways, missing John and feeling like I don’t know where I belong now. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, nothing anyone said; it was about me, trying to recapture what once was. But I came to realize that the “get yourself out there” and “you have to move on” messages I’m seeing are nothing more than societal dictates, the rules that “they” put forth in order to have a proper life. According to whom?? After I reminded myself that I’ve never given a flying fuck about societal dictates and I’m not going to start now, I realized that I have to go about this grieving business in my own way, in my own time. And do whatever I need to do. If staying at home a lot and watching old movies is soothing to me, then that’s what I’ll do. And let’s face it — with the exception, of course, of the beloved individuals in our lives, people can be so overrated.
Enough of that. On to the good stuff — I played with B again last Friday. 🙂
I went to his house in the afternoon. This time, his wife P was there. I had met her once before, but this was the first time she and I got to talk a bit and get to know one another. She had to run an errand, and I guess it was the plan that B and I would be playing when she came back and she’d join in, but it didn’t go that way. B and I got to talking, and we were still yapping away when P came home. So she came in and joined the conversation, and we ended up sitting there on the couch (with the dog, of course) talking until it got dark. I went to use the restroom, and when I came back, it was just B, saying that P had begged off, needing a nap.
I didn’t get to see this last time, but they have a separate playroom outside of the house! B called it a woodshed, but it certainly doesn’t look like one. Very comfortable, with carpeting, a desk, a chair, a bed, and heating/AC. He closed the door (nope, no dog hanging around kissing me this time), and we got down to playing. Like the first time, I enjoyed myself so much. We started with OTK and his hand, and then moved on with me on the bed, pillow under my hips, being strapped with his belt and then caned. Just to switch things up, he had me stand and bend over a chair, putting my palms on the seat, for the final cane strokes. A couple of them went low, and he apologized, but I assured him that does not bother me. What I don’t like is when they’re too high, or all on one side. Gotta be even! Or somewhat, anyway. And the belt was delicious. Always my favorite. And he didn’t wrap at all.
I cried this time. Not because it was too much, or too painful. It pushed me, but I could take it. No… the tears came later, when he was holding me close afterwards. He said, “You’re beautiful, Erica Scott,” and I said, “Don’t… you’ll make me cry.” He said that was very much allowed, and that I was safe in this space and he was here. And so I clung to him for dear life and wept. Couldn’t help it. It’s been a while since a man said I was beautiful. ♥ And my emotions are very close to the surface these days (not that they were ever very far below).
We went back into the main house, B woke P up, and then I said goodnight to them and took off; it was after 8:00 and starting to rain. He will be out of town all this week, but we agreed to get together again after he comes back. Also, one of their favorite cafés happens to be a long-time favorite of mine as well, so we’ll probably go there at some point. I really like both of them.
I’d promised I’d send him pictures, so I took a couple when I got home.
I’ve been getting professional deep-tissue massages lately; they help with my chronic tension. I found a local massage studio and a favorite masseur there (the owner, no less), and I had an appointment with him yesterday. I usually keep panties on during the hour, but everything else is off.
However… even though I put on my most full coverage boy shorts, there was no hiding those lower cane stripes. Ooops. Well, I wasn’t about to cancel the massage; I needed it. And I figured this guy is a professional; if he sees anything, he will be too discreet to mention it. So I went.
Sure enough, he didn’t say a word. Didn’t hesitate. Didn’t vary in his technique at all. It was my fourth time there and I think this was the best massage yet; I was in la-la-land when I left and very glad I didn’t have to drive far. When I got home, I wondered… maybe he didn’t notice? I mean, the lighting is sorta dim. So I took another picture.
Oh yeah. He noticed. *blushing* Those boxers covered my butt, but nothing below it. Oh well…
All jokes aside, I’m glad he was professional and discreet about it. If he’s said anything, I would have felt a little skeevy about it. But I’ll confess that when he was working on those areas, I had a powerful urge to giggle. (I didn’t, though.)
Between Friday’s scene and Saturday’s massage, I was truly out of it. In a good way. So relaxed. I tried to watch TV last night and kept falling asleep, so I finally gave up and went to bed. And slept until nearly noon today.
I miss John every day. I probably always will. But my life goes on. And damn, it feels good to feel good for a while. ♥