Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Confession is good for the soul… right?

Last night, a special friend wrote to me and said she was sad on Thanksgiving Day, because she couldn’t be with everyone she cared about; they’d either died or gone away. I wrote back to her, saying I empathized, but I hoped she could focus on who is here now, because people come and go in our lives and if we spend our time missing the ones who are gone, we forget to appreciate the ones who are very much present.

It occurred to me after I hit Send that I need to take my own damned advice.

Confession time: I’m stuck in a depressive spiral, and have been for weeks. My weekends with John and Mondays with ST have been bright spots, but the rest of the time has been rather bleak. I have been crying every day and struggling to do even the simplest of routines. And I’m fucking sick of it.

Those of you who know me, know I have a lifelong bad habit. I have abandonment issues that run deeper than the oldest oak tree, and I don’t take losses well. When they happen, I fixate, and pretty soon, I’m missing everyone who’s ever gone out of my life. I’m feeling every slight and imagining the worst in all scenarios. It’s self-centered and I’m just so damn tired of my own head. But the insidious thing about depression is, I don’t have the energy to push myself forward, to do what I need to do to get OUT of my head. And so it goes.

I know everyone thinks I should go to see ST today. I would if I could. I just can’t get myself out today. He understands. I am there in spirit.

I have done all the things I can, used all the tools I have in my psyche. Reached out to others, showed an interest in what they’re doing today, sent wishes to loved ones. I know some people would say, “Get out of yourself and go volunteer in a soup kitchen.” Yes, that’s a good idea. But not something I’m capable of doing.

I’ve been down this spiral before, and I will come out, when I get good and sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I’m tired of shedding copious tears over people who aren’t shedding them for me. When I come back to reality and see that it’s not all about me.

Depression SUCKS.

I have an appointment with my gyno in a couple of weeks, just to check on things and see if some of this could be post-menopausal hormone hell. Chances are, though, that it isn’t. It’s just circumstances that triggered the demons.

Today, my apartment is quiet and peaceful. I am grateful for that. Whoever finally moved in next door hasn’t made a peep. The gym is closed, but I’m going to work out in the apartment gym and get some endorphins going. The Marx Brothers’ “A Night at the Opera” is on cable later. And I may not be feasting, but I did buy myself a piece of pumpkin pie for tonight. 🙂

So, I’m coming clean. All the sarcasm and jokes and spanky patter have been put aside for today — I’m admitting I’m scraping along the bottom and I’m tired of being there. I am going to come back up. Again.

Thanks, everyone, for putting up with me. Sending you all much love and best wishes, and yes, gratitude, on this holiday. For everyone who is dealing with pain and grief, I’ll share my favorite “ism,” once more: “The depth of your despair will be the height of your joy.”

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15 thoughts on “Confession is good for the soul… right?

  1. Erica,Thank you for such an honest post, those who have never experienced the depths of depression often think we can just shake it off. I wish the effects of depression could so easily be resolved by just a bit more will power. My therapist often told me that I needed "to get out and just do something." she made it sound so easy but it's amazing just how difficult something so easy can be. Depression does SUCK, it HURTS and it can drain our life away, there is no easy answer or solutions. But just remember you are never alone, there are others of us out here who suffer also and we can suffer through this together . Of course a good piece of pie is always a big help and maybe a good spanking along the way. I sincerely wish you a blessed Thanksgiving, while being depressed sucks, being depressed in a hospital sucks even more at least neither of us are spending our day there. I will have an extra piece of pie for you tonight. :)Kevin AKA The VBB


  2. VBB — you're a very kind person; I can see why Dana is fond of you. Enjoy your pie. 🙂


  3. We enjoy you blog very much and wish you all the best. Depression is not easy on anybody, yourself or your love ones. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. The wife.


  4. Hi Erica, I am ALWAYS here for you if you need anything or to talk i am a good listener :-)WOW everything you mentioned in this post i can relate to like me crying tears for people that are not shedding them for me and i HATE change as well and i agree depression SUCKS 😦 Hope you feel better soon then you will be back to the bouncy bubbly Erica 🙂 Wish you could of had thanksgiving with me it make's me sad that you were alone today and only had a slice of pumpkin pie 😦 I know that's how you wanted it but still.I just have a big soft heart your a VERY special friend of mine and thing's like this get to me cause i care about you so VERY much :-)Your NEVER alone i am here for you, Love you,big hug's from your naughty girl Jade XOXO


  5. None of us "put up" with you. We'r here either because you fascinate us, we care about you or you're entertaining or all three. And there's nothing wrong with that.


  6. Ms. Wife — and you are a kind person as well. Thank you. 🙂 I don't know you, but I already like you both, 'cause we got connected via someone really terrific.Jade — please don't feel bad. Remember, I had options; it was my choice. I don't know about bouncy and bubbly, but I'll be better soon, promise. :-)Craig — that's very sweet. Thank you. ♥


  7. Sarcasm and jokes can help get us through the day but real life and the crappiness that goes with it is always still underneath. I hope that things look up for you soon.


  8. Ack, I've been there. I have loved ones there right now, actually. Facing the fact that your current state of mind isn't, and actually shouldn't be, default and normal is a worthwhile step in itself. I think with trying to accept your limits at the moment and not beating yourself up for not being able to do more, and going to the gym, you are doing bloody impressively in the circumstances.Did you see this comic by the way? One of the funniest (and most raw) takes on depression I've ever seen. I dunno if that's your type of humour but I really liked it.


  9. Oh my.. operative word for the day "resonate". This sooo hits home.. a bit TOO close. It's tough to see yourself in print!Here's my quote for the day…"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality." -Douglas PorterHave you ever read that "rock, papers, scissors bit"?? When I'm at my wits end.. this usually comes to mind. LOLLet me go find it…….okay.. got it. (google is marvelous ya know)**I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole. ~Why do I get these depressed feelings.. sometimes morbid thoughts? Cause.. I've resigned myself to the fact.. that there are easier things in life than finding a good Top like ST as a weekly play partner. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.♥ YOU — ALL OF YOU.and.. I'd say "HUGZ!" — but sometimes, when people say that.. I just wanna say… —'aaaccckkk! don't touch me!'~Z


  10. I'm sorry you are down in the dumps. It's perfectly understandable that you don't feel like going out and doing stuff. Just a thought, but since it's been going on for weeks, perhaps your meds need tweaking? And it's definitely asking your gynecologist about.I've been wondering about the new folks next door. Maybe your Monday night noises have scared them silent:-)Hugs,Hermione


  11. Lea — thanks. Humor has saved my ass more times than I can count, but it only goes so far.Pandora — oh my God. What an incredible piece of writing; I've bookmarked it. Thank you so, SO much! "Trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back." Wow. Yes.Zelle — you're a gem. No, I'd never read that bit… funny! Thank you. And I don't mind HUGZ from you, but whenever I see HUGSSSSSSS, it reminds me of that freakazoid we both know on FetLife. ;-)Hermione — it could be my meds, but chances are, it's just a buildup of several things that have gotten me down, and I finally crashed under them. LOL about my neighbor… I hope I haven't spooked him/her.


  12. Been there, go there still sometimes tho not as often anymore.All I can say is hope it passes soon. :(sarah


  13. Sarah — thanks. Me too.


  14. "The depth of your despair will be the height of your joy." That's the second time I have seen that quote this week. It's been a rough patch around here as well, with the stress of a relative being in the hospital for 3 1/2 months now… Let's hope we both start to see some of that joy soon! xoxo – SueNY


  15. Sue — I'm so sorry about your relative. I hope things get better! Something about that saying comforts me; it has such promise.


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