Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Happy Festivus

Some of you may recall the Seinfeld episode where a new holiday was declared, for those of us who aren’t religious and/or don’t observe the usual holidays: Festivus, for the rest of us!

John and I don’t do Christmas. We don’t do gifts either, although we get each other one small token present apiece. On Saturday, John said he had a surprise for me in the living room and led me out there with his hands over my eyes. “Ready?” he asked, taking his hands away. And what did I see, but this:

That’s right — it’s a Festivus pole!
Now to be truly authentic, a Festivus pole has to be a plain steel pole, no decorations whatsoever. But I couldn’t resist, when I saw some odds and ends of Xmas paraphernalia in John’s box of wrapping stuff.
Behold, the Festiduck:


Isn’t he cute?

Some of my long-time readers may be wondering, what happened to the annual drunken bacchanalia Xmas party that John’s eldest sister and her husband (AKA the alkie and the lech) throw every year? Well, kiddies, that party is no longer. It seems that John’s brother-in-law wasn’t just leching after his wife’s brother’s girlfriend. shudder

John said to me a while back, “I think [the lech] is having an affair.” To which I sneered, “Oh, please. Look at him. There isn’t another woman on the planet who would go anywhere near him.” Apparently, I was wrong. It is now common knowledge within the family — that marriage is a sham. And the festive gatherings are history.

At least now I don’t have to pretend to like the guy. He once said to John, in the middle of a family fracas, “Well, John, you’re no walk in the park yourself.” I wish I’d been there; I would have said, “At least when John walks in the park, he doesn’t scare small children.”

Anyway, for my newer readers who never got to see one of my reports of these parties (or for those who miss them), please enjoy this repost from 2010: Happy (Hic) Holidays.

I went to the gym this morning (it was packed!), dropped off three bags of old clothes and books to Good Will, and now I’m home to stay, tonight and all of tomorrow. I have a huge work project to keep me busy, and Wednesday with Mr. D to look forward to. Now, if my asshat upstairs neighbors would just be quiet, it will be a peaceful couple of days. So far, so good.

Whatever you’re doing, whatever you celebrate, my very best wishes to all of you.

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30 thoughts on “Happy Festivus

  1. Thank you!And have a very happy non-Xmas time!

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  2. I love that episode. :)I think we should temporarily change the pet peeve thread to the airing of grievances, lol.Enjoy you time.Love,Kat

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  3. MrJ — thanks! I am doing so. :-)Kat — hey, girl! Peeves, grievances… whatever you want to call them, I have many!

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  4. Hi Erica — I Love your duck he is so ADORABLE :-)You decorated your pole VERY pretty.That was so sweet of John to give you your own pole.Did you open your gift's? If so what did you get? Much Love and hug's from naughty girl Jade xoxo

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  5. I hope you enjoy your week! I'm sure Wednesday will be worth waiting for. 😉

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  6. Jade — no, we didn't open the gifts. John had to leave early for a last-minute family thing. 😦 We decided to do that next weekend.Lea — I hope so! I could use it, for sure.

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  7. Erica, you may be a bit shy, but I hope you can manage to hold your own in the Airing of the Grievances during Festivus. As for the Feats of Strength, your butt can probably handle on its own that while you catch up on blog comments.Meanwhile, if you have not seen it, or even if you have… I hope you will watch what is perhaps my favourite holiday movie ever, The Hogfather. It is sheer misfit holiday wonderfulness.If skeptical (by chance), you can see the first 9 minutes of it here…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtF18CQYaGYMiss ya!!

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  8. That's the very finest Festiduck I have seen, this season, at least!Watching The Hogfather, you will no doubt recognize yourself in the character of Susan, the one reading Jack and the Beanstalk in the very beginning… maybe. Except for the hair, maybe.

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  9. Danny — OK, I watched. I love you, honey, but that was just weird. Looked (and sounded) like something from Tim Burton — I kept waiting for Johnny Depp to show up. But I miss your wacky self too! ♥

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  10. Erica, you clearly were not paying attention. As far as "weird," don't you try to claim that you are categorically opposed to weirdness! It's a wonderful movie, and you should trust me on that! Harrumph, I say. You pay attention to words, and this movie has lots of good ones, strung together into good sentences and phrases, even.

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  11. Danny — oh, harrumph, yourself. Of course I'm not categorically opposed to weirdness. I like YOU, don't I? 🙂

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  12. Erica, a Happy Hogswatch to you anyway! Leave out some turnips, pork pies and sherry, just in case…

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  13. Of course you like me, woman! Because my weirdness is both compelling and turgid, and you are helplessly drawn to my gruff and juvenile Jenny Say Kwah, and-Oh, sorry, one of my young nerdy nephews found my laptop, and [0q98w4'nglzgds{(gt[9g [sdyh[fgaosb

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  14. (snort) Turgid? Has someone been getting into the bacon eggnog this evening?

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  15. How could you know what my under age nephew was drinking without my knowledge? Bacon whiskey eggnog is a hallowed tradition here, as you should know. The gooey holiday drink of life, we call it. When mixed with hollandaise sauce and poured over foie gras and sheep's brain, it is simply heaven on a spoon. I cannot fathom why you have so rudely thrown this holiday delicacy back at me, ruining so many velvet smoking jackets, over the last several years.

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  16. You say one more word, and I'm going to ruin yet another one of your tacky smoking jackets (whoever heard of jackets that smoke, anyway?) by hurling on it. You and your @#$%ing Hollandaise sauce. What, no mayonnaise?

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  17. Oh, I forgot to mention the mayonnaise-filled Twinkies, custom made by one particular chef at Johnny's Pastrami, near Sepulveda and Washington. But you have to bribe the waitress with a 20 and say the code word "turgid." Tuesdays, between 8 and 8:15 AM. Do not ask the name of the chef. That is a red flag for them. Just be grateful, and tell no one.

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  18. As Sam once said, "Hey, I'm smokin' in any jacket." Cheers!

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  19. No, thanks. I hate Twinkies, and I'm never up at that ungodly hour. You are truly sick and twisted, and I love you to bits. Merry Christmas, dumbass. 🙂

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  20. AAARRGGHH!Somehow I still love you to bits too.But I mean it, watch Hogfather in its entirety, Erica. Today. John will agree, according to me.

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  21. Hi Erica, staying in away from any party sounds pretty great to me. Have a happy… whateveryoucallit.

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  22. I love the tree, and remember that episode well.Happy un-holiday!Hugs,Hermione

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  23. Happy Festivus, Erica! Here's to peaceful and relaxed holidays. 🙂

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  24. What a great gift. Just remember that pole is a great symbol of the Festivus Traditions. No dancing. Jon

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  25. Mick — I believe it's called Tuesday. :-)Hermione — I do wish they had pine-scented steel poles.Kaelah — hear hear!Jon — dancing? Who dances? Not Ms. Lefty-Two-Foot here.

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  26. It has been told that you do an expert "ouchie" dance after a good paddling!John

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  27. Another adorable and wonderful post, thank you! Love the blog and you!AlwaysRon

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  28. Ron — thank you!

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  29. OMG! You crack me the hell up!!! Love you so much! Miss getting to read in a timely manner as well!' (Grrrr! Damn this real job stuff!—-…but thank goodness there is money exchanged via one if those direct deposit transactions. LOL!)Have you seen that there was a competition for the best FRIED-FAIR-FOOD? My present to you is sharing the enlightenment!! LOLhttp://www.dallasnews.com/entertainment/headlines/20120829-see-the-new-state-fair-of-texas-food-fried-cactus-to-bacon-cinnamon-roll.ece

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  30. Zelle — HEY YOUUUUUUUU!!! Dammit, woman, I miss you so much! But I know how consuming jobs can be. Hope you're having good holidays.Fair food is disgusting. It's even worse than some of the crap Danny comes up with. :-)Love you!!

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