On Monday I was wearing green…
… and yesterday I was wearing red.
Damn pictures never do the color justice, it seems. But this was just the beginning, anyway.
I needed yesterday so badly. In fact, when Steve called early in the morning, I freaked out, wondering if he had to cancel for some reason. Turns out he had a work thing and had to push us back a couple of hours, but he was coming. I felt silly, but it was then I realized just how much I needed release.
The ongoing issues with John wear on me. Nothing dire is happening at the moment, it’s all under a control of sorts, but it’s still hard. If I allow myself to think too much, all the possible worst-case scenarios jump into my head and I waste precious time worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet. Ergo, I’m tense.
Steve was there to take it all away for a little while. To knock down that wall of tension and let the floodgates open. The pain broke through, allowing all the poison to come out.
When we moved to the implement phase, he asked me if I had any requests. But I didn’t want to make any decisions; didn’t want to think about anything. So he took over, choosing several. It turns out he didn’t have to use any of them for very long, because I broke down almost immediately. One minute I was bantering with him, and the next I was crying.
He talked me through it, encouraging me to let it all out, release that stress, bring it all to him. I wept on and on, losing awareness of what he was doing and simply feeling the waves of release. Kind of an emotional orgasm.
Not to worry, though. I was OK. Better than I’d been in a few weeks.
Afterward, I felt as if a heavy brick had been taken off my chest. I love this kind of escape — it doesn’t leave me hungover, or with weight gain, or with drug withdrawal. Just a purity of soul, feeling clean from the inside out.
I wish that feeling would last longer. But I guess that’s what the regular visits are for. Such a wonderful connection, with such a dear top.
Thank you. ♥
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work. I’m in the middle of proofing a script for a medical course on pressure ulcers, complete with pictures. Please wish me a strong stomach.