Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Confession

CONFESSION - declarative concept

For what it’s worth, for the dozen or so of you who still read my blather, I’m admitting to a moment of weakness and foolishness. Nothing came of it, but I figured it was worth looking at anyway.

Like it or not, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic. Even with things reopening, I don’t think it’s safe to be in crowds of people. John and I are continuing to do takeout. I’m going to put a hold on my gym membership. The curve of the first wave never flattened and now they are talking about the second wave. I don’t think this is going away anytime soon. Ergo… even if Shadow Lodge goes ahead with the party in Vegas over Labor Day, John and I will not go.

I would consider carefully playing one on one with a trusted partner, though. If I could meet one who was willing to be patient, take things slowly, observe all the safety rules, etc.

A week or so ago, I heard from a man on FetLife who, at first, sounded exactly like who I was seeking. He wrote well. He loved spanking. Our world views were on the same page. He’d been isolating and took the pandemic very seriously. He was attractive, fit, educated, healthy, didn’t smoke or do drugs. And he was local, had his own place where he could host. In his profile and in his introduction to me, he stressed about how he believed in taking the time to establish trust and a connection, and that there was no rush. It seemed he was experienced in the scene and had been around long enough to know what was what.

He said nice things. Didn’t just say that I’m attractive, although he stressed that many times. Said I sounded like I had a good head on my shoulders, that I was smart, seemed like a lot of fun and he thought we’d get along well. He said, more than once, that I was “perfect.” So, I wrote back. We exchanged two or three brief messages. So far, so good.

Then last Friday, he sent me a message that threw me for a loop. Said he wouldn’t meet anyone for coffee right now, not with the virus and particles everywhere and so forth. However… I could come to his place and we could sit outside on his balcony, see where chemistry takes us.

I’m sorry, what??

Okay, this is BDSM 101, kids. You meet publicly first. Coffee, a drink, a meal, whatever you are comfortable with. You do not just up and go to a man’s house right off the bat when you don’t know him, or know of him through trusted others. Period. I couldn’t believe he was suggesting I do this.

So I wrote back, telling him I was sorry, but I couldn’t possibly do that. That I’d been meeting play partners for over 24 years and vetting them in public first. (There have been a couple of exceptions over all those years, but that’s exactly what they were, exceptions. And I’d had good communications with the men beforehand.) I said it seemed we both had much to offer, and hopefully we could figure out a way to move forward, carefully. That I understood “cabin fever” (his words) very well, but that I had to be safe.

Didn’t hear back. Five days went by. Then I got a message that was in a very different tone from all the others. It was part resentful, and part coaxing.

He said we were at an impasse, because I wouldn’t “step out of my comfort zone,” because I wouldn’t “bend a little.” That trying to meet with me was like trying to push a boulder up a very steep hill, and that he found “endless emails” frustrating. And then, he painted a sexy, tempting picture of what could happen if I would just come over, take his hand, and… so on.

I didn’t reply. But I was really, really angry and upset, and wasn’t quite sure why, besides the obvious that the guy’s a manipulative jerk.

Here’s where the confession part comes in.

I think I was rattled because, deep down inside, a part of me wanted to cast caution to the wind, ignore everything I knew, and just go “have an adventure.”

I mean, fuck it. I’ve been holed up for months. I haven’t played since February. Every damn day is some sort of bad news. And there is nothing to look forward to in the near future. Here was my chance to break out a little, go do something wild and forbidden and sexy and have some damn fun for a change. To feel sexy and free and attractive and naughty and just forget all this shit for a couple of hours.

And the fact that even a tiny part of me felt this way was horrifying to me. I know better than this! No, I wasn’t going to do it. But damned if I didn’t want to, just a little. Because I’m only human.

Anyway… turned out it didn’t matter. The morning after he’d written that latest message to me, I woke up to another one.

I’ve decided that it’s just too complicated to continue — good luck with all and be safe.

In other words: “You didn’t do things the way I wanted, so you’re not worth any more of my time.” Also: “I know you’re going to say no, so I’ll reject you first.”

Bastard.

Before I put this behind me, I had to have a final word. I wrote back:

Your profile reads: “I like to go slow at first to develop a genuine connection, kindred spirits, feelings and trust.”
And yet, after a few brief exchanges in which I know next to nothing about you, you expect me to ignore one of the cardinal rules of BDSM, show up at your home without meeting you first. When I politely decline that, you throw up your hands, say “fuck this,” call our messages “endless emails” and I go from perfect to a boulder on a steep hill.
Everything about this has a clear message: “If you don’t give me immediate gratification, I can’t be bothered with you.”
Thanks for the early warning, I guess. I am a person of value and worth bothering with. Sorry you didn’t think so.

Didn’t hear anything back, of course. He’s moved on to find someone more gullible, more lonely and in need. I may be all three of those, but I’m not stupid. I. Know. Better. All emotions and desires aside, I know what’s right and what’s safe. He wasn’t.

And, as many people (including John) reminded me yesterday, it’s fortunate that he revealed who he really was this early on, before I got further invested. Or worse.

So why am I writing this? I guess because I’m reminded that, no matter how much experience we have, no matter how much we know better, we can still be swayed. We can still fall prey to a vulnerable moment and ignore our instincts, or want to. That these are scary times and a lot of us are not thinking clearly. These are the times when narcissists and predators can thrive. Don’t let them. And if someone tries to make you feel like you’re not worth bothering with, fuck them. (Figuratively speaking.) Because you are. And the people who don’t care to take the time, who just want what they want and want it now — their loss.

How ironic that his final words to me were “Be safe,” when he wanted me to be anything but. However, I will say the same to all of you. Please. Be safe. In these tough times, where so many of us are feeling vulnerable, uncertain, alone, scared, angry — keep your head. Keep your ears and heart open to your inner voice that knows best.

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend. And Happy Father’s Day to the dads. ♥

 

 

 

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25 thoughts on “Confession

  1. I am so sorry you experienced this, Erica. Some guys are indeed jerks.

    Like

    • Erica, I am truly sorry that you went through this especially in the middle of all that’s going on. Thank you for sharing both what happened and all of your feelings about it. You didn’t do anything wrong, and your feelings are more than valid. We are human. You are so worth the effort and time. You are more than enough for the right top. This asshole isn’t worth anything, and it’s terrifying to think about what could have happened. I’m so glad you are safe, my friend. I love you. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Vince Lupo on said:

    Better safe than sorry so keep following your instincts. And thank you for the early Father’s Day wish. It’s quite appreciated.

    Like

  3. I’m so sorry, Erica. Of course part of you wanted to throw caution to the wind and meet this guy after months of no play with anyone, especially after the way he built up your self-esteem and seemed like such a good match. He was right about one thing. You ARE perfect, attractive, and smart. Thank you for sharing how our vulnerability is heightened and our resolve is weakened during this pandemic.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Mitch — s’ok. Crummy people happen.

    Jay — well, you know, some people really suck. Bad timing, but I guess there’s never really a good time to deal with this sort of thing. I love you too. ♥

    Vince — I hope you have a nice one!

    Pam — thank you, my friend. I’m amazed at how raw this left me feeling.

    Like

  5. Mark on said:

    I feel you made the right call on this one. Those feelings of a warning flag must be respected. Anything connected to sex involves strong temptation, so it is hard.

    However, I would not really be comfortable in a coffee shop, the way I always was. I am not sure where I would be comfortable just now. Yet I agree that hanging out at my place is not a viable alternative for meeting someone new.

    I just don’t know where I would be comfortable, to enjoy meeting someone new. None of my old options seem today to be comfortable anymore. This whole thing requires that comfort level in the place itself.

    Like

    • Mark — I think one viable alternative is to go pick up a cup of coffee or whatever you’d like and then meet someone outdoors, maybe in a park. It’s not ideal, but at least you can talk in person.
      Or at a coffee place that has outdoor tables.
      I admit, nothing sounds completely comfortable or safe right now. Maybe, as far as play is concerned, I just need to write 2020 off, and hope for the best next year.

      Like

  6. Erica,

    When I read your post title, I immediately wondered what you could possibly have to confess. You’ve shared your life, adventures, and aspirations with your loving readers for years and we feel as though we know you fairly well. So what then could it be?

     Not a true spanko? - Impossible
    
     Secret Trumpist? - Rather be dead
    
     Biological daughter of Shirley Temple? - Unlikely
    
     Double life as an international spy? - Nah
    

    So what then? I read the post because I had to know. It turns out that you were guilty of being wise, along with perfect, attractive, and smart. I should have guessed that!

    Have a great weekend!

    Hugs,
    Bonnie

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It definitely sounds like your instincts are right on with this guy. Whether he’s dangerous or not, you’re right he’s definitely manipulative and doesn’t sound like he’s likely to respect established boundaries.

    I am wondering about the public vetting though… not the wisdom of it, which I agree with, but I guess the… precise function and formula?

    What I’m saying is, would a zoom meeting fill the same purpose, or is that not enough? I’m asking genuinely btw because I can’t decide what I think on it myself. I think the main reason we stress the importance of a public meeting is that the public part keeps us safe while we do the work of feeling someone out in person. Do you think there’s any additional benefit to the public aspect beyond physical safety?

    To me it seems like zoom would take care of the safety aspect of a “face to face” meeting… what I can’t decide is whether a zoom meeting would provide the same level of insight as meeting someone in person. On the one hand, zoom is pretty off putting and I’m not sure the format really allows you to get to know a person intimately. On the other hand, I think the awkwardness of it could potentially give you a better glimpse into someone’s “real” self as a coffee meeting, and a person may be willing to say things in a private zoom meeting that they wouldn’t in a public place… which potentially gives them more opportunity to raise red flags.

    I’m not on the dating/playing market myself, but I think if I were, I’d possibly be willing to let a zoom/video meeting take the place of a coffee date, and then have a friend expecting contact from me if I decided to take the risk of going into someone’s home (and make it known that someone was expecting to hear from me).

    Like

  8. Heidi M on said:

    he sounds like a creepy predator, Erica, I am used to guys who switch from charmer to bully when i ask a few sensible questions. Thanks for the sensible advice to all your followers.

    Like

  9. Tina on said:

    On the basis of my experience Erica, a lot of these so called Doms seem to imagine that submissive bottom types like me are weak-minded fools, when you stand up to them they quickly crawl back under the stone from which they have emerged. I admire how you deal with such idiots and send them on their way.

    Like

  10. Josephstevens on said:

    Very wise! Another month or so is manageable…the good guys will still be there..

    Like

  11. Xen — interesting question. I wonder if that’s the way of the future; if people will vet each other via Zoom and FaceTime. I dunno — I think I would still prefer an in person meeting. It feels more personal. But in the time of Covid, it might be a viable alternative. At least you could get more of an impression of the person that way than you do with a few written words and a picture or two.

    Heidi — yeah, he turned creepy very quickly. I figure I can’t stress safety too often.

    Tina — thank you. Gotta admit, this one made me sad. He knew all the right things to say and reminded me of everything I’ve been missing.

    Joseph — sadly, I think it’s going to be a whole lot longer than a month. Our cases are still climbing, and now that nearly everything has reopened, they will continue to do so.

    Like

  12. I had to read this sentence twice: “I mean, fuck it. I’ve been holed up for months. ” It’s late here and my eyes are blurry. Laughing….. for a minute there I had all kinds of holes in mind and effing where you may not have wanted it.” Woops!

    Good for you for being safe. Your frustration and feelings are valid ….. this isolation crap is for the birds already. Glad you found out this guy was not what he claimed to be way ahead of time. You keep listening to that smart head on your shoulders, girl! Always rooting for you, Erica! Hugs, Windy

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  13. Mick on said:

    Guy was a dork… I mean dick… a dorky dick. I’m glad you saw through him quickly. You post an important thought. Our kinks are so strong and hard to deny. I’m not sure how we’ll navigate through the pandemic

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  14. Windy — HA! Well, I do seek to entertain. (snicker) Thanks for the support; it’s greatly appreciated. And yes, this is all for the birds!

    Mick — we’ll navigate through the pandemic because we have to. We are sentient, reasonable beings who realize that to pretend this doesn’t exist is stupid and selfish. So… we’ll deal. But yeah, it sucks. Big time.

    Like

  15. You made the right decision, Erica. Besides not being safe in the normal, pre-covid way, he could have the virus and inadvertently infect you.

    I had a not-so-careful friend who arranged to meet a man she met online in a conservation area. Public, yes, but there would be no one else around for safety. I warned her against it but she took no notice.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

    Like

    • Hermione — people do what they’re gonna do. I have red flags flying all over the place sometimes with what I’ve seen others doing, but if they don’t ask me, I’ve learned painfully that I should keep it to myself.
      Here’s the irony — after our encounter, he updated his profile, adding, among other things, this: “Without exception, your safety always comes first.” Are you kidding me???

      Like

  16. You did very well, Erica, especially with the temptation, and I hope others will take heed! Nicely done!!

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  17. This guy’s suggestion from coffee shop to his balcony at his place doesn’t make sense to me even in the best of times! That is quite the leap. There are other options if he was genuinely concerned about safety. Whatever happened to progression; text, a phone call, a Zoom meeting, then an in person meeting.
    Thanks for sharing this Erica. It is a reminder that you like the rest of us are all human and so in need of some genuine human connection now more than ever.

    Best,
    Enzo

    Like

    • Enzo — Right? Thank you! Meeting publicly isn’t safe, but it’s okay for me to just turn up at his house right off the bat? And then when I don’t, I’m in the wrong? Buh-bye!

      Like

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