Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Life, continued

Home from John’s. Thank you to everyone who commented or sent me supportive tweets. They mean a lot to me.

Just to wrap up the saga from Friday, I called M today. I told John, “Don’t let me leave without calling him.” Because I knew if John weren’t there, my courage would fail. As it was, my heart was banging when I dialed the number.

It didn’t go well. He wasn’t mean, but he was cold. When I suggested that John and I come out next Saturday to have dinner with him, he said no, he’d rather not. Said he was hurt and flabbergasted by my absence and he’d just as soon not see us. I didn’t try to explain myself; I knew I couldn’t. Everything I could say would sound like a lame excuse. So I just said I’m sorry, I don’t blame him, and there was no way I could make him understand where I was coming from, so there was no use in trying. He said “I understand, I think. But I can’t condone it.”

OK. I said that’s fine, but I still want to see my mother. He said, “Well, you’d better hurry up.” Ugh. I asked how she was, and he said she’s still in the same facility, but under hospice care now. Round-the-clock care, never gets out of bed, almost never eats anything. Basically, they’re just keeping her comfortable; it could be tomorrow, or it could be next year. He goes to see her every day. Sometimes, she recognizes him.

I can’t go there during the week; there’s no way I can handle going there by myself. I will need to wait until next Saturday, when John can be with me. So I told him we would go see her then, and he asked what time. I suggested around 5:00, and he said no, they serve dinner then. (What difference does it make, if she doesn’t eat?) So I asked if 4:00 is better; he said yes, but couldn’t we come earlier? I didn’t want to mention that we take John’s mom out to lunch every Saturday; I didn’t think that would go over well. (It does make a bit of difference that John’s mom is five minutes away, versus my mother’s 70 miles.) So I just said we had things to do, and we’ll be there around 4:00.

He grudgingly said he might meet us there. He won’t commit to it, and that’s fine. If he does, he does; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. If I’m that unforgivable, then I guess that’s that.

I managed to hold it together until I hung up, then I lost it. Thank goodness for John. He didn’t offer any platitudes or too many opinions, although I know he certainly has them. He held me close and said, “You did the best you could. I’m proud of you.” I hold that phrase very dear, and he knows it.

Made it home, in rain that was pouring down so hard, I couldn’t see. Pretty bizarre to see all of us on the freeway, normally 65 miles per hour, crawling along at 40 to avoid going into skids. It’s good to be home. Despite the wretched experience of talking to M, I’m glad I got it over with.

Tomorrow, I can have some fun. Tomorrow, I can post something fun again. Thanks for bearing with me.

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11 thoughts on “Life, continued

  1. Some people are impossible. Then again he may feel abandoned and want somebody to feel sorry for him. Does he have any children of his own?Whatever his problem is it is not your fault.

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  2. John — he has two grown kids… both of them rather dreadful. So I suppose everyone has disappointed him. Plus, he's 94. At that age, pretty much everyone HAS abandoned you. (sigh)

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  3. Erica, today is Monday, and that's Funday. Put the visit out of your mind for a while and enjoy yourself with ST.Good for you for phoning M. It must have been hard.Hugs,Hermione

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  4. Just like John said. Very well done indeed.

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  5. Hi Erica- I am VERY proud of you and i agree with John YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD :-)I am so sorry you are going through all this 😦 I am here for you if you need anything, you are a very dear friend of mine and i Love you very much,keep your chin up you will do just fine :-)Have fun with ST tonight i always enjoy reading about you both, hug's from your naughty girl Jade XOXO

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  6. I keep my fingers crossed for next Saturday, Erica! I hope you can keep in mind that your mother isn't the person she used to be any more and you aren't the shy girl any more, either, but a well-known woman, model and author who has many friends and a wonderful partner. Maybe that thought will give you some strength. And I'm sure that having John at your side will give you strength, anyway!I hope that your week holds a lot of fun and distraction. Have a great evening with ST!

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  7. Hermione — yes, it's Monday. I will gear up to have some fun.Dave — thank you. ♥Jade — it's OK, sweetie. Life is challenging sometimes, as you know.Kaelah — thank you for that. Sadly, my mother will never see me as much more than a disappointment, but I don't need to make that my problem anymore.

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  8. I'm glad you worked things out the best you could. Hope the visit goes well next week.

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  9. Lea — oh, I sure hope so too.

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  10. 65 miles per hours? Are you talking LA? When I was there, everything was a dead crawl cuz there was so much traffic!! I would have a heart attack if I had to drive in that madness everyday!!You know, Erica, you did what you could. You can't change the past. You can't control his actions or reactions. That part is not on you. Unwarranted guilt often accompanies such things in life, but all you can do is move forward and if he rejects it, then you will at least be able to say that you tried to make things right.Hope next week goes well. sarah

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  11. Sarah — well, it was Sunday. But you're right, the traffic here is dreadful. Yet another reason why I work at home!Powerless over people, places and things; the only thing we can control is ourselves. I do know these things, but I need that reminder, constantly. 🙂 Thank you.

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