A failed experiment

This is one of those entries that’s going to be embarrassing. I am confessing something that makes me feel ridiculous. But because I’ve always tried to be honest here and share the bad with the good, here goes.

I don’t have to tell you guys that things have been stressful for a while. Covid goes on and on. I haven’t seen any friends or played since March of last year. I can’t even get a damn haircut, let alone a spanking. John has been my only physical human contact in a very long time. Things in CA are dire; I read somewhere that one in four people in L.A. has Covid. The vaccine situation is completely fucked up; way too much demand and not enough supply. We are still on Phase 1A, and I am in the Phase 1C group. It could be a long time.

I’ve said this many times over these months — the one thing that’s kept me somewhat sane and distracted from all the bad news is work. I’ve had plenty of it and I’ve been able to pay my bills; so many can’t say that and I’ve been grateful. But for the past two months, my freelance work has been very slow, with all clients. I’m starting to feel the bite, and it’s scary. I’m not sure what’s going on or if things will pick back up. I need communication, and right now, it seems that is hard to come by. Everyone is busy and stressed out and preoccupied. I ask questions that are not answered. Along with the work issue, my laptop has a problem and I wrote to my computer tech friend for some help… haven’t heard back from them either. Fortunately, my desktop still works.

I’ve been chatting with a spanko friend who lives in Oregon; I met him many years ago at a party. He wants to come visit and play when it’s safe, but that will be a while. I had said that I thought self-spanking was lame and frustrating, and he suggested that I give it another try. He detailed some positions that would make it a little easier, dexterity-wise, and said if I could do it long enough and hard enough, perhaps I could achieve some release and enjoy the physical feelings afterward — the tenderness/soreness, the twinges when sitting, etc.

This morning, everything sort of crashed on me. I had no work to do. It had been a weird weekend; I chipped my front tooth and I lost my car keys (minor chip, and I finally found the damn keys, but I had a complete meltdown before I did). So I thought, what the hell, I’ll try self-spanking one more time. Purely as a release, nothing more.

Live and learn. I tried. It was a major fail. Instead of making me feel better, I felt worse.

The physicality of it was easier than it had been when I’d tried it before, thanks to his suggestions about angles and so forth. I had three different implements to use that made for good coverage. I checked in the mirror periodically to see if I was even.

But emotionally, it was a disaster.

As the pain built up and the emotions broke free, I didn’t feel relief. Instead, I felt such a wave of grief, I could hardly stand it. I kept going and going and going, and I sobbed while doing it. Every time I stopped, I craved a hug, some comfort, some human contact and warmth so badly, I’d start up again just so I wouldn’t have to think about it. In short, I made a freaking mess of myself, but I didn’t stop unless I was shaking so hard I didn’t think I could do it safely anymore.

And then I cried for another hour. I’m still crying. Yeah, I feel the tingles and soreness. I may even feel it tomorrow. But without the emotional connection, without a top there to hold me afterward, without a strong pair of arms to crawl into, it’s a masochistic and unsatisfying experience. I feel worse than I did before I started.

Not a damn thing I can do about it except ride it out. Cry as long as I need to. And then pull myself together and go work out. Maybe that’s the only way I can release stress right now. At least I have that.

Goddammit.

For those of you out there who are able to achieve satisfaction and release from self-spanking, I salute you. I envy you. I can’t. I know that now without a doubt. I feel sore, but I feel none of the endorphin high, none of the blissful oblivion. I just want to go back to bed and cry until I can sleep for about 48 hours.

Back to the drawing board. People keep telling me things are going to get better, for all of us. I wish I had some inkling when.

Scenus Interruptus

So I got up this morning, anticipating my visit from Steve. Dressed, straightened up the place, put some makeup on… the phone rang. It was my apartment manager. Said they’re coming in to do some work in the kitchen, because there’s a leak somewhere and they have to replace the pipes.

Within minutes, I had two plumbers and the manager tromping through my kitchen, taking everything out from under the sink, drilling, hammering, and basically trashing the kitchen area. Asked the manager how long this might take, and he said probably a few hours.

Well, clearly, Steve and I wouldn’t be able to play. I don’t think that would be too discreet, smacking away, even if it’s in the bedroom with the door closed, with the plumber within earshot.

I got on the phone to call Steve, and discovered I had a voicemail. As coincidence would have it, he’d already called me earlier that morning, before I’d gotten up. He had a work situation come up and he couldn’t make it.

So there you have it. Clearly, we were not meant to see each other today. I guess if we had to have cancellation issues, it’s a good thing we both had them at the same time.

What do you do when you’re all geared up for a good spanking, and it gets yanked away at the last minute, for whatever reason? When you can practically feel it, it’s so close, and then poof! I’m sure this happens a lot to spankos with children, or people who have demanding jobs. Sometimes, life interferes. How do you shut off the spanko mode and redirect your thoughts elsewhere?

First thing I did was change my clothes. Took off the sexy spanko underwear and put on the day-to-day Fruit of the Loom cotton boyshorts and boring bra. Put away the capris and tank top and got into baggy shorts and t-shirt. Might as well be comfortable, ya know?

I know some people use the self-spanking option. Believe me, I’ve tried it. More than once. First, I can’t get a decent enough swing with anything to really feel it properly. Second, something about twisting my arm backward like that makes my shoulder hurt. And third, possibly most important… I feel like a complete ass. And frustrated. For me, it’s actually worse than going without altogether. Ever try to tickle yourself? It doesn’t work. Same thing, for me, with self-spanking. Without all the other dynamics — another voice, another hand, the head space — it’s just an exercise in time-wasting.

Of course, some may have perfected the technique via lots of practice. More power to you! But it’s not an option for me.

So, moving forward. Re-channel the energy. Throw myself into work, or into a workout. Shut off the part of my brain that is screaming for that special stimulation. Remember there will be a next time, soon.

Fortunately, I have work to do, so I can be productive. I do need to switch gears, though. I’m having trouble concentrating, as I’m still in spanko mode. Plus, this is going on in my kitchen right now, just a couple of feet away:

Isn’t that lovely! Noisy, too. I know what you’re thinking: Erica, just take your laptop/tablet and go work in your bedroom! Um… no. Because this dinosaur still works on a desktop. I actually love my work space. It’s roomy and comfortable and has everything I need nearby. However, there are occasions when I wish I could be mobile. Adding this to my Bring Erica into the 21st Century list, along with flat-screen TV (yes, I still have tube TVs). I had planned to get a laptop for the longest time, but never got around to it. Now, I’m considering bypassing that and going straight to a tablet. We’ll see.

So how do you quell the cravings when you have to postpone your play at the last minute? What’s your go-to plan for distraction?

Side note: judging from the absence of comments, it appears that people don’t enjoy my silly food rants anymore. OK. I’ll stop.