Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Anyone got a spare rhino hide lying around?

Because sometimes, I think that’s what I need in order to survive FetLife.

Yeah, this is drama. I’m venting here. So if you don’t want to read any further, I understand.

Toward the end of last week, I posted a bit of writing on Fet, along the same lines as part of what I posted here a week or so ago. It was about identifying as a spanking purist, and how I was reclaiming the term. As before, I was very careful to explain that I didn’t mean it to sound elitist or exclusionary, or that I was better than anyone else. I simply was trying to express that spanking is pretty much my only fetish, and I didn’t want to be judged for it.

The post got a surprising number of “loves,” and a lot of comments. The comments fell into two categories: the first were people who wholeheartedly agreed and were basically saying, “Hear, hear, me too.” The second were those who didn’t care for the term, took exception to it for one reason or another, and who patiently and respectfully took the time to explain why they didn’t like it. Both types of comments were welcome. I was hoping for some lively discussion on this, and I got it.

Last night I came home from John’s and found several more comments on the post, but still, things had remained adult and peaceful. Wow, I thought. Is this really FetLife? I was so stoked that everyone had been so awesome. And maybe I really did need to rethink the term “purist,” if it bugged so many people I like. One person said he completely understood what I meant, but the word still pissed him off. I get that; after all, I have my own knee-jerk reaction to the word “evolved.” I can learn something, too.

I spoke too soon.

One of my friends had written her own post, a sort of counterpart to mine, explaining why she was uncomfortable with the purist thing. No problem; she didn’t attack me. She sent me a private message to let me know she had no issues with me or what I’d said. But then, a woman who, last year, decided that she hates me and has been sniping at or about me on Fet ever since (after she unfriended and blocked me), came on, said she loved my friend’s post, and then went on to pretty much call me out. Viciously. No, she never mentioned my name; she just said “that person” and “SHE” and “HER,” with contempt dripping off her words. But it was crystal clear she was talking about me; everyone knew that. And then she said that anytime in history where people used terms like “pure,” they generally ended with some sort of ethnic cleansing.

Ethnic cleansing???? Oh, no, she didn’t. She did not go there. So now, because I used the term spanking purist, I’m a racist? A bigot?

Adrenaline didn’t just surge — it exploded. The pancakes I’d eaten hours before were flapping their jacks in my stomach. My heart was pounding and a bad taste rose in the back of my throat, so I got up to get some water. When I did, I noticed my legs felt like Jell-O, they were trembling so much. I was beside myself.

(A funny aside: Even in the peak of rage, I couldn’t bring myself to utter that one word that I so thoroughly detest, not even to myself. I, quite literally, was sputtering out loud in my living room, “That bitch! That… that c-word!! “)

And then I felt tears come to my eyes. NO, I thought. Don’t be a baby, goddammit. Be strong and face this.

My voice of reason said, “Take the high road. Don’t get down into the trenches with her.” I told my voice of reason to f&%k off. Because there’s no way I could let this stand. It’s one thing to take the high road; it’s another to sit by passively and let someone use you as a dartboard. So I went on the post and defended myself emphatically, managing to do so without name-calling. She came back and posted another pile of BS, misquoting me, accusing me of deliberately misunderstanding and then crying “Poor me.” What could I possibly have misunderstood? Her words were quite clear. Once again, I stood my ground and returned fire, saying that I was not homophobic, trans-phobic, or any other kind of phobic — except perhaps MEAN-phobic, so yeah, I found her terrifying. I also said that I resented the FUCK out of her ethnic cleansing implication.

Her final words to me were “I’m done with your ridiculousness.” So I replied, “And I’m done with your snarky judgments, and being your doormat.”

Then the private messages from friends began. Very kind and supportive messages. I was shaking so hard I could barely type, but I answered everyone. One very special woman, who was friends with both of us, let me know that she had written to my hater privately and gently, diplomatically suggested that she take 24 hours to cool off, and that I had the right to defend myself, consider how she’d called me out publicly. My friend wouldn’t tell me what her friend responded, but she did admit that it was “horrid” and that they were no longer friends; she didn’t want to associate with someone who could be so mean, who attacked people she cared about.

Oh, geeeezus. I didn’t want this sort of thing happening! It had gone too far, and I thought, oh, screw it. Know what? I’m just going to take my post down. It served its purpose, and I had decided against the purist term anyway, so it was time to end this. So, after copying my post and all of the comments and pasting them into a Word document, I deleted it, and in its place I posted a brief explanation of why I did. Figured that would help somewhat, right? Then I slept on it.

This morning, while poking around the Fet feed, I found this delightful little exchange between the OH (original hater) and a new one. I’ve copied and pasted it here, typos/misspellings intact, nothing changed — all I did was delete the names:

Hater #1: Write a post once again expressing judgey views > shit hits the fan > write follow up post saying ‘Labels are bad.’ Y’all must have your tunes on reserve cuz you change them quick.

Hater #2: But she “changed” in that five minutes! Really! Plus, mean people have been pointing out her fucked up views! Wah!

Hater #1: It’s obvious as hell what these wild out the gate ‘I’m a legitimate born this way never gonna change [insert kink label]’ posts are. Insecurity that other people are evolving in their own journeys, getting support for it, and feeling like you need to be seen. No one has patted your back lately. You want pats too! We see you. And you’re comical.

What, I’m comical now? Why, thank you. My father would be so proud. 🙂 I was tempted to break into their conversation and cheerily comment: “Enjoying your dime-store psychology session, ladies? Yup, I see you, too.” But I refrained. I simply updated my status, saying that my haters were having some bile with their morning coffee. Hey, they’ve blocked me — they wouldn’t see it. And if someone told them about it… oh well. Too bad, so sad.

I’m not made of stone; yeah, it feels sucky to know that there are people out there who think this poorly of me. But on the flip side, I got messages, I got texts, I got supportive comments, even a phone call. People told me I was a class act. One friend texted, “I’m not a purist, but I love you.” ♥

What did I learn? 1. I’m going to stop using the term “purist.” I know what I mean by it, and my friends understand what I mean by it, but it seems to be off-putting and I don’t wish to put anyone off, when I’m simply trying to define myself. 2. I have good friends (but then, I already knew that). 3. If someone pushes me, it is OK for me to push back, as long as I don’t lower myself to their level.

So, am I crying “poor me”? On the contrary; I’m quite thankful for these two bitter creatures. Why? They make me feel better about myself!  C’mon, I’m the first to admit I can be a snarky, intolerant little snot. But compared to the likes of them, I’m a freaking saint. 😀


Kiss kiss! Peace out, haters.

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20 thoughts on “Anyone got a spare rhino hide lying around?

  1. and that purist little ass is so cute…lol.
    I’m not going down this hole this morning, its too early and I’ve only had one cup of coffee…lol. Sorry I don’t have any wonderful mind blowing advice for you. Keep a stiff nipple and hope the day gets better.


  2. Anonymous on said:

    Okay, so what’s wrong with being a purist? I’m generally pretty open to anything sexual or spanking related, but I’m totally repulsed by anything anal. Does that make me a purist? When it comes to spanking I think all bottoms should be female. So I’m a purist. Spanking is not an Olympic sport. There is no official rulebook. To each his own. Go ahead and be a purist that’s. And you look great naked.


  3. Bobbie Jo on said:

    After years of what seemed to be constant ridicule when I was young, one thing that I have come to realize, and I am sure you also know, is that, typically, when people attack others such as that individual, they are just plain jealous. Envious, if you please. People like that are probably miserable in their own skin. Unhappy people will spread vitriol against others who seem to have it all…to them. None of us “have it all.” Not even Warren Buffet.

    There is a saying that those who judge others are also judging themselves because they do what they judge others of doing. So, if you look at it that way, whatever she said in hatred about you, she said to herself. Whatever she accuses you of being, she is herself. The vitriol she tossed out to you, she also tossed out to herself. The old saying is true: What goes around, comes around. If we plant briars, thorns, and noxious weeds, we certainly can’t expect a flower garden.

    I appreciate you, I appreciate your honesty, and I love you, Erica.


  4. Jadelyn Mathias on said:

    Hi Erica ♡ I got your back 100% You are totally AWESOME and Beautiful my friend. So very sorry you had to go through this with that HORRIBLE woman 😦 This made me so angry how she attacked you like that. I cussed her out myself while I was reading this.She is the C word I agree with you. I think she gets a thrill out of picking on you and making you angry 😦 You said you got blocked. At least you don’t have to see her ugly comments anymore.YAY the piece of garbage is gone. Happy Dance for you. Here is my song for you my best friend SHAKE IT OFF cause the Haters gonna hate hate hate.I do this all the time. People are always jealous of what they can’t have or can’t be 😉 You are a billion times better than her.I think you handled the situation well, this pic says it all, You are saying KISS MY ASS LOL 🙂 I Love you my sweet friend ♡ Hugs from naughty girl Jade / Emily Jean


  5. Great job, Erica! I think you handled those haters very well and they certainly don’t deserve any more of your time. ❤️ Love ya!


  6. Mike — no advice needed. It’s handled. I was just blowing it off here, cuz I can! 🙂

    Anonymous — Meh, who knows. People took exception to it. Although I think going from spanking purist to racist bigot was quite a stretch.

    Bobbie Jo — yeah, well, I hope those briars and thorns prick the haters where the sun don’t shine. 🙂 Thank you.

    Jade — you figured it out — that’s exactly what I was saying. 😉

    Jay — thanks, darlin’!


  7. Erica,

    That whole mess on Fetlife was utterly ridiculous. You wrote a thoughtful opinion piece where you tried to explain your choice of the word “spanking purist.” While I, myself, feel the term “purist” can be loaded, I understood the point of your piece. You are a spanko in a scene where spanking and BDSM can often be blended but that you’re ok with just being a spanko.

    I didn’t realize you needed permission from the “inclusion” police to enjoy what you enjoy. And by “inclusion” police, I mean certain women who were judging you for your preferences which they perceived as judgmental. Crikey. To quote my dearest friend Stacy, “Some people want to watch the world burn.”


  8. I have a fourrth learning point (or a fifth, if you count in the kiss kiss thng): never open Fetlife within six hours after having pancakes. ;-)) Yoo risky, as we all know


  9. Beth — you got it, Stacy got it, Dave got it, lots of people got what I was trying to say. I don’t know why it was so @#$%ing hard for certain folks to comprehend. Sad, really.

    MrJ — probably shouldn’t go on Fet with any food in my stomach, come to think of it.


  10. I understood what you were trying to say, whether I agree with your exact wording seems irrelevant, it’s what conveys your thoughts and to get hung up on one word to such an extent of vitriol… don’t get it, especially when people don’t bother expressing their opinions in sound language… y’know, cuz….
    I’m struggling to find a place in FL because on a personal level, forget all the fantasy fiction I write, I like spanking, being spanked and I’m swamped by all these groups that offer spanking+. I’m not a slave, or sub. Where does one go on FL to meet like minded persons?
    Don’t fight your personality type. If you’re snarky, that’s you and it seems to work okay for your real friends.


  11. DelFonte — Fet can be a hard place to find a foothold, because there’s just so damn much there, so many people, so much going on at once. If you go to Search Groups and put in “spanking,” you’ll get a whole lot of hits, but by reading the group titles, you can tell which ones are a better fit for you. For example, “Spank You Very Much,” “Just Spanking” and “OTK Spanking” might work; “Clit Spanking,” not so much. Also, have you searched groups for FanFic? You might find some kindred spirits there too.

    If you haven’t already, make sure to fill out your profile, post pictures, etc. Comment/love other people’s photos. Introduce yourself. The more you make yourself known on Fet, the better chance of finding your niche.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. And yet another glowing review for FetLife. Sorry to hear about your experience Erica, but it sounds like you came out on top and managed to take the higher road.

    I don’t understand people who are supposed to be open-minded, but can’t manage to be more accepting of differing opinions. Where is it written that just because I don’t agree with you and that I no longer need to be civil?

    I actually appreciate you or anyone coming out and stating that they are a “spanking purist”. I am not. I like spanking girls and all sorts of punishments, from corner time to anal plus other fetishes. Those are my likes and preferences. I am not going to force my view nor look down on someone because for whatever their reason they prefer only spankings and call them “unevolved”, what is that?

    It is just sad the leaps people assume when someone states their preference, however termed (i.e. purist), and end up at ethnic cleansing….? WTF. These people must have no real experience with true tragedies in life to be throwing those terms about so easily.


  13. Enzo — I tried to stay on the high road. Although, admittedly, it did make me grin with glee when someone came on that thread with my hater and told her she was a vile person. 😀


  14. MaMa Blue on said:

    I Adore You! Frankly, you merely stood up for yourself & who can blame anyone for that? Also, you did that with GRACE as you do most things. One of the many reasons I have deep admiration for you 🙂


  15. Erica, I hope you feel better now that as a SPANKO. purist, you got that OFF YOUR CHEST. or should I say your ‘knickers down bare bottom’. I read all SPANKO blogs, as a PURIST. For PURE enjoyment. XXX I love ya.


  16. Erica, at my age, I’ll just use the “P” word as a PUNISHMENT to SPANK them with my CANE. (with wishful thinking of course) XXX Love ya.


  17. Anonymous on said:

    Great post and comments! Can’t imagine anyone hating you! I work with some unhappy women like your haters so it helps to hear how you deal with it!


    • Anonymous — sometimes, I wish I could just let it roll off me and not pay it any mind. That degree of anger I experienced is hard on the body. But at least I came out of it knowing I didn’t sink to their level!


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