Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

On my mind

Let’s start this with a few facts we all know.

I am outspoken and opinionated.
I am often snarky.
I don’t suffer fools, and if people screw with me (or my friends), I don’t hold back.

However. Despite what some may think, I do not revel in insulting people or hurting feelings. Not my thing, and not my intention.

A while back on Twitter, I said something flippant about a particular sexual/spanking position that I find deeply humiliating as well as impossibly uncomfortable, physically. I believe I said of all the NO positions, this one was the NO-iest.

Some people chimed in and agreed. It’s one of those things you love or you hate, I guess. But then I got called out for kink-shaming.

I was taken aback.

The first thing I did was check in with a good friend, whom I know happens to love the position in question. I asked her if she felt offended or shamed by my comment. Her reply: “Not at all. I know you don’t like it.” But yeah, she still feels comfortable in telling me about scenes where she’s experienced it, because she knows I’m happy for her pleasure and I’m not holding her in contempt for doing things that aren’t in my house of kinks.

Okay, so I felt marginally better. But this has been eating at me ever since.

Granted, speaking of houses of kinks, I’m well aware that mine is more of a studio apartment. I am basically vanilla with one very deep, dark and rich chocolate swirl. And I know I’ve said this many times before: I wish I had more kinks. I wish more things pushed my buttons. More fun! More variety! More people to play with and relate to! But we are who we are. I have managed over the years to find plenty of satisfaction within my limited kink base.

But does saying I don’t like this or that equate to telling others that they shouldn’t do it? That what they’re doing is wrong? I have never understood this.

If someone tells me that they don’t enjoy spanking, I don’t feel judged. If they say it makes them feel uncomfortable or childish or whatever, I don’t feel judged. Now if they were to say to me that it’s lame and stupid and babyish and that people look ridiculous engaging in it, yeah, I might bristle. But that’s a direct attack.

So what crosses the line between expressing a preference and kink-shaming? It seems the placement of that line differs greatly in various people’s opinions.

Is it because the topic of kink is so deeply personal? I mean, just as an experiment, let’s replace a kinky activity with a food.

I happen to hate avocado. (Yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone loves avocado, avocado is Food of the Gods, and I’m a freak.) Yes, I said it.

However, I did NOT say:
I hate avocado, and I think everyone who likes it is disgusting.
I hate avocado, and if any server even thinks about putting it on my food, I’ll have them fired. And then shot at sunrise.
I hate avocado, and you are dead to me if you disagree.

(Now don’t go quoting any of the above out of context. I can just see the reactions now: “Did you see what Erica Scott said about avocado?? What an idiotic bitch!”)

Sometimes, a preference is just that… a preference. Sometimes, saying I don’t like something means just that: I. Don’t. Like. It. I don’t mean it’s bad, you’re bad, it should be outlawed. Some things trigger and upset me. I think we all have those — kinks are deeply visceral for many of us and touch off many emotions. There are things I don’t want to see. That is on me. It’s not saying I want the activity eradicated.

A few years ago, on FetLife, I referred to myself as a “spanko purist,” because spanking is pretty much my sole fetish. I got ripped so many new ones over that, I could take a drink of water and look like a sprinkler. Jesus Christ… one person even likened me to Hitler. I didn’t mean it that way at all. I simply meant that my kink is singularly focused. Not that it’s superior. I mean, WTF?? Well… rest assured I do not use that term anymore. But I’ll never forget how ugly that situation felt.

Often on FetLife, people have referred to branching out into other kink activities as “evolving.” (sigh) I’ve been doing this for a long time. I tried a whole lot of things. I went to a lot of dungeon parties. I worked in a dungeon, for crying out loud. I participated in other types of kinks. I wore latex, participated in a slave auction, was in a bullwhip demo, you name it. But… call me un-evolved, I guess. Because spanking is it for me.

However, I never, ever want people to think I’m judging what they like, even when I make my snarky comments. Yes, I know, I’ve been known to say things like this: “You come anywhere near me with a bar of soap, you’ll be blowing bubbles out your ass.”
Or “If I were to get a tattoo, it would be on my lower back: An arrow pointing down, with the words EXIT ONLY. Don’t even think about going in there.”
Or “No, I don’t wear white panties. Last time I checked, I wasn’t five years old.”
This is me, being me. This is not me, judging you.

I would welcome thoughts on this. I would welcome civil discourse.

EDITED TO ADD THIS: I forgot that I also discussed this with John. I know that he will always speak the truth. He’s not one to blindly support me or say what I want to hear. And he said, “Maybe you should be more careful about how you express opinions.”

So, there it is.

I will never soften my stances on the important issues: politics, women’s rights, Covid cautionary measures, etc. Haters be damned.

But when it comes to kink and what floats everyone’s boat, I will try harder.

And I apologize to anyone I have inadvertently offended with my flippancy. It was not intended.

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19 thoughts on “On my mind

  1. Erica, it’s so wonderful to read from you again. I’ve been pretty out of pocket and haven’t afforded myself the pleasure of your blog in a while. It’s good to catch up a bit.

    I so relate to what you’re writing here. I totally agree that your expressing what you like and don’t like, even if the way you express it may be strong or even snarky is NOT the same as shaming others for liking something different. Despite being about as left-y as one can get, I do feel many people lack self-esteem resiliency. One thing that can help with that is simply to recognize exactly what others are saying. And if you’re confuse ask first before accusing. I first examine what someone said. Did they actually say I’m XYZ because I like spanking women or did they imply it? Am I sure they implied that before I come back with an accusation. As I’m learning more about communication and community I’m learning to approach these situations with openness and curiosity.

    I also very much relate to your irritation with the use of the word “evolve” with regard to kink. I first joined a BDSM community 22 years ago and my kinks are virtually the same – corporal punishment of women. I too experienced that condescending “I’m sure your tastes will evolve” in the course of getting to know people in that community. I assume that’s why there are those of us who start out in BDSM communities and later move to spanking only groups. There’s so much less of that condescension.

    I view my sexual expression in the same light as my creative expression – through the lens of the Martha Graham advice to “Keep the channel open…” Among the great sentences in that wise paragraph is “It is not your business to determine how good it is. It’s to keep it yours clearly and directly.” Also, “pay attention to the urges that motivate you.” It’s just a great reminder that there’s no one else in the world like you now, in the past, or in the future. So love and respect who you are even if no one else does.

    Regardless, I love and respect you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Chibob on said:

    Since I have been reading your blog for many years I assume you are referring to the diaper position. I recall you don’t like it.
    I guess it doesn’t matter because someone will be offended no matter what the subject is. This cancel culture is out of control. One thing I learned is you have to get in there and clarify your position or they will bury you with false accusations. But stay calm and be the reasonable one.
    I am glad you are blogging again. I look forward to your next update.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Quai — thank you for this. I appreciate your input. ♥ There are times when I just want to drop out of everything and be an island. But I know that’s not realistic.

    Chibob — you are correct in recalling that I don’t like the diaper position. That wasn’t the position in question here, though. And you’re right, it doesn’t matter. Regarding cancel culture, I suppose some would say I’m trying to cancel them because of their predilections. But that’s not my intent.

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  4. Anonymous on said:

    First of all, I’m glad to see you’re posting stuff again.

    Second of all, I agree that your personal likes and dislikes in food and sexual enjoyment should be left up to you (Well. within some bounds… I would never condone practices that violate another person’s rights).

    I’ m sort of iffy about avocados. I don’t eat them by themselves, but I occasionally use guacamole dip.

    And when it comes to spanking, some people consider it to be a starting point for other “sado-masochistic” activities, but I don’t see it that way. If spanking is an end unto itself… why not?

    Music is like that too. I happen to share your love of surf music and the Beatles, but I don’t berate or degrade anyone who likes something that I can’t stand. I’m not much of a rap fan/

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  5. In this case at least, I can’t agree with the advice that you need to be careful in how you express your opinions. Let’s face it, FetLife is no different from most social media — lots of people looking hard for things to take performative offense at. Apologizing for expressing your preferences isn’t warranted and wouldn’t help anyway when the commenter wants to take offense and is just dying to express that offense to anyone who will listen. It’s amazing to me how most of these folks shut up and go away when you call them out on it.

    By the way, I love avocado but my wife won’t touch it. To each his own!

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  6. So, the gist of this seems to be that some of your critics were essentially judging you for allegedly being judgmental. There are more than enough internet trolls out there who seem to delight in shaming others. I’m sorry that it troubled you so. And, I must admit that I’m now curious as to just what this sexual/spanking position is that you don’t like if it’s not the so-called diaper position, but that is obviously secondary to the main points you make here. You and your snarky witticisms are a breath of fresh air to most of us.

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  7. Anonymous — wow. It’s rare that I find someone else who loves both surf music and the Beatles.

    Dan — same deal with John and me. He loves avocado. Actually, he loves a lot of foods I hate. The only thing I complain about is his pungent cheeses, because the smell of them quite literally nauseates me. But otherwise, yes, to each their own.

    Bob — thank you. ♥

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  8. Michael on said:

    If you’re negotiating a play session with a prospective partner (or an established partner who wants to add activities), then obviously you say what you do and don’t like.

    The problem with saying it any other time is, it can sound like judging. If you don’t think the activity (or position or whatever) is INHERENTLY inferior, why bring it up? Why are your specific preferences worth expressing (in any other context THAN negotiation) unless they are a general judgment?

    I got in trouble in a Youtube comment thread not long ago in an entirely different context — about as different as it could be. I criticized a performance in a movie (the Youtube creator had praised the movie). I wrote “I can’t figure out how you managed to like it, but I’m glad someone did.” You would think I’d insulted someone’s mother. After a running fight that lasted two days (not with the Youtube creator — I’m sure he never saw it — but with another commenter), I wound up deleting the entire thread.

    And that’s the problem, I guess, right there. Any time you say you don’t like something, it will carry the hint (even if it’s not made explicit as I did) of “I can’t figure out why anyone else likes this,” and some will see that as offensive.

    It’s confusing to me, in general, how to separate right and wrong from smart and stupid from merely a matter of taste. Clearly all you meant to express in any of these cases was a matter of taste, but it’s all too easy to come across as “that’s stupid” or “that’s wrong.” And the more strongly you express the opinion (“Don’t even THINK about it!”) the more likely it is to be perceived as saying that whatever-it-is is universally stupid or wrong.

    BUT, on the other hand, I’ve also been criticized during my life for qualifying everything too much. “In my opinion,” “I may be wrong,” “I’m not saying this makes sense.” JUST TELL US WHAT YOU WANT TO TELL US, MICHAEL. So one way you’re criticized as being blunt or imperious and the other way criticized as being wishy-washy.

    Gee this is long. On the other hand, there’s a lot to unpack. One last thing — whoever criticized you over “spanking purist” was simply wrong on the facts. That’s an established “term of art” in the spanking/BDSM community, as far as I’m concerned. (Hey, another entry for my list of weasel phrases — “As far as I’m concerned.” I hedged my bets again!) It simply and accurately describes a certain position on the spanking-to-BDSM spectrum — specifically, pegged all the way over to the “spanking” end and darned well going to stay there. It doesn’t imply a criticism of any other position on the spectrum. It doesn’t mean the other options are ‘impure” or “polluted.” It means what it means — all the way at one end. The people who take offense at that simply don’t know what they are talking about. Literally.

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    • Michael — so basically, no matter what we do or say, we’re screwed somehow. That’s really what it all boils down to, doesn’t it? I mean, for as many people who admire my blunt approach and even find it amusing, there will be those who take offense. But trying to be tactful and please everyone doesn’t work either.
      There are days when I want to shut off every communications device and sit in the dark.

      Like

  9. Interesting post and one which touches on a bunch of things near and dear to my heart. That said, I think we as a society have lost any of the character strengths we used to admire in our ancestors: essentially being tough, resilient pioneer stock who could stoically endure hardships of every kind and keep going. Now we are a nation of spineless wimps not only ready to collapse under the lightest breeze, but proud of any victimhood we can claim as our own and wave as a flag of just how damaged we are.

    What happened to us? It’s like our backbones withered on the same day our balls fell off.

    And shaming? While I admit there are all kinds of shaming, some are key tools society can utilize outside of lawsuits to modify unacceptable behaviors in those around us. There are things people SHOULD be ashamed of and it’s kind of the responsibility of the rest of us to shame those who need it rather than be afraid to do so.

    Manners are abominable because we as a people have relinquished any responsibility to call people out for what they should be called out for and instead, now call folks out for nonsense.

    If something I said upsets someone, I try to take an honest look to see if there’s any validity to it. If there is, I’ll apologize, but if someone is just looking for something to be upset about and claim victimhood over, I’ll STILL apologize…………..like this:
    “I’m truly sorry that you are too stupid to understand my comment for what it was and not for what your feeble mind interpreted it to be.” See? Ever polite. 😉

    Like

    • KD — you and I seem to have the same level of saltiness in our systems. While I would normally react the same as you as stated in your last paragraph if my call-out had been from some jackass hater I couldn’t care less about… it wasn’t. It was from someone I’ve known for years and considered a friend… someone I thought liked me. Hence my being thrown for a loop.

      Society has definitely changed, all across the board. And personally, I’m glad I’m on the tail end of things. I would not want to be a young person navigating this life right now.

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  10. It seems a lot of people nowadays go out of their way to find something to get their knickers in a knot.
    (That’s probably some kinda kink too. Let’s see if Knotted Knickers shows up in a search engine. I’ll Yahoo it.)
    Every dang thing, for some reason, has become a source of overheated contention and it’s so unnecessary, as you stated. There’s no reason to shoot the guy across the room who put pineapple on his pizza.
    Everyone needs to regain their sense of humor and perspective, with some empathy and respect and chill the hell out.
    (By the way, you can buy and wear “Knotty Knickers.” Now you know.)

    Like

  11. Kyrel on said:

    I’ll make this a shot one. I’m 1000% on your side here. There is a very big difference between saying that you dislike something, and saying that others are wrong for liking it.
    Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to be unable to make that distinction these days.
    IMO you are not shaming someone by saying that you dislike X spanking position. Someone else are failing to actually read what you write, and/or are insecure enough about their own like of said position, that your statement of personal distaste for engaging in said position, ends up feeling like an attack on them. Regardless, IMO the fault lies with them.

    Like

    • Kyrel — thank you. I appreciate your thoughts on this. It’s hard, though… even if I’m innocent of shaming, I still feel like crap about this. Argh. No win situation, really. It bugs me that it happened at all.

      Like

  12. I fully get where you are going with this, I have hard limits, just like you, and expect them to be honoured.

    Society today has changed and in terms of openness of knowledge and discussion very much for the better. However there are too many what I call ‘do gooders’ who call out anything against their beliefs or they think will offend anyone. Also the general society’s standards of communication seem to have diminished and people have very short memories for things they have done wrong but very long ones if they feel slighted.

    If the trolls have nothing better to do than call people out on things that might offend them, then they must generally need help in finding better things to do in their life.

    Keep on being you,spirited, opinionated, sometimes snarky but rarely nasty (except to the idiot correspondents)

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  13. It sounds to me like it may have just been a reaction to casual language being interpreted differently in the absence of tone (as is so so often the case online).

    “I hate being in X position” reads much differently to me than “of all the ‘no’s’, this is the ‘no-ist’.” (Assuming what you wrote above was the actual phrasing… otherwise disregard all of this). I think you were just using language creatively to give what you were saying a bit more flavor. Twitter really lends itself to that kind of thing. But I can completely see how that specific word play could be read as judge-y. I think it may just be because the word ‘no’ is already kind of loaded in and of itself. While you meant ‘no’ here as a personal preference, it can also easily be read here as “not ok,” or “wrong.” As an example, if I’m talking politics and I describe GOP presidential candidates: “Of all the ‘no’s’, Donald Trump is the “no-ist,” I’m not simply expressing a personal preference. It sounds like I’m condemning that option. (Which, to be clear, I absolutely am. 🤣)

    That’s just my guess though. You’re not wrong in expressing your preferences, it’s just SO easy to misinterpret meaning in text only communication, so you’ve got to be clear about it. Unfortunately some people are just looking to feel attacked, so some people are gunna stay pissy even if you clarify.

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    • Xen — thank you. I appreciate your honesty and your open look at both sides. I realize that my salty/snarky way of stating things can be interpreted as a judgment sometimes, even though I don’t intend them as such. You’re right — saying “of all the NO positions, X is the NO-iest” can be taken as a condemnation. If I had said it in person, it would have been with my wry face and my exaggerated voice and probably no one would have been bothered by it. But the written word lacks nuance.

      So. Lesson learned, and I will try to be more careful. I know I’m always going to have people who don’t like me. I just felt awful that the person in question used to be someone who did like me. (sigh)

      Like

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