OT Rant: Yet MORE food insanity

Happy Friday, kids. Since I don’t have anything on-topic to discuss today, and frankly, I’m sick of writing about how life has been lately, I thought it was time for one of my infamous Gross Food Rants.

For those who haven’t been with me that long, I’ve posted quite a few of these over the years. Any time something I consider over-the-top disgusting joins the culinary choices out there, I feel motivated to write a PSA that warns: “Eat this at your own peril.” Here, for reminders, are three of my past writings: Bacon Sundae, Mac ‘N Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt, and This is NOT Pizza/Sweet-Savory Nightmares.

Today, we reach into the Erica Scott Barf Bag and what do we come up with: Little Caesar’s Deep! Deep! Dish Bacon-Wrapped Pizza.

Really, Little Caesar’s? Really??

The deep-deep-dish pizza on its own was bad enough. Super thick dough, mountains of cheese, a glut of grease, fat and salt. But wait! Let’s make it even worse! Let’s wrap 3.5 feet of BACON around it! Yes, that is 3.5 feet, kiddies. That’s more than a yard. To be precise, that is 42 inches of bacon.

But wait again, there’s more! It’s topped with lots of pepperoni and — guess what? — even more bacon.

Jesus Christ, y’all. Why stop there? Why don’t they just dump the entire fucking monstrosity into a vat of bacon grease, deep-fry it, and then serve it with cheese dipping sauce??

A single slice of this thing contains 450 calories, 23 grams of fat, 830 milligrams of sodium and 40 milligrams of cholesterol. I think of poor John, who is currently on a heart-healthy diet regimen including fish, vegetables and greens, fruit and unsalted nuts. One piece of this would kill him.

But wait, there’s a thought. (NO… not killing John! What the hell is the matter with you people…) I mean, without going all political on you, most of you know my stance on capital punishment: For the worst-of-the-worst criminals, proven without a shadow of a doubt to be guilty of murder, torture, etc., I am a firm believer in it. So here’s a new method for the death penalty: Force-feed the perpetrators with this crap until their hearts explode. I guarantee, after consuming enough of it, they’ll be begging for the electric chair.

I would not be surprised if I heard that Little Caesar’s gets a kickback from the companies that produce Rolaids, Prilosec, Pepto Bismol and the like. Because this gastronomic catastrophe is destroying people’s innards, one slice at a time.

When I was a kid, eating in the school cafeteria, there was pizza every Friday. I can still remember how it was so laden with grease, you could hold the slice up over the plate and watch it drip off. Little Caesar’s fat bomb is so full of oil and grease, you could probably squeeze a slice over a pan and use the drippings to fry a whole chicken.

Please, people. Don’t eat this. Don’t even look at it. That high-pitched whine you hear is your arteries shrieking in terror. Yes, have a slice or two of pizza that isn’t an obscenity. Have a couple of pieces of bacon on occasion, if you wish. But Do. Not. Eat. This.

(P.S. I deleted the photo I’d originally posted here, because someone told me they found it offensive. Sorry about that.)

Have a great weekend, y’all.

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