Festivus follies

You guys know I’m not into the holidays. When I first started seeing John, Christmas was a huge affair with multiple gatherings — his parents, his siblings, his nieces and nephews, etc. For years, I went to these things… and honestly, I hated them. Dreaded them every year. They felt forced, John’s family was never nice to him, there was too much rich food and way too much alcohol, and I always wanted to pass on it all but couldn’t. Cut to the present: his parents have passed, two of his siblings have moved away, the nieces and nephews have grown and moved on to their own lives, and the one remaining sibling in town is a hopeless drunk with a lecherous husband, and John has pretty much fallen out with them. Hallelujah — free at last.

So, these past few years, I’ve done exactly what I wanted to do for the holidays –absolutely nothing. I send cards, I get gifts for John and a few friends, but that’s about it. A few years ago, John, as a joke, made a Festivus pole from a steel pole he’d found, even attached two pieces of wood at the bottom so it would stand. And from then on, it took on a life of its own. Over the years, a tree skirt and pine cones were added, I wrapped the pole with holiday paper, and John added the topper, a knitted duck in a Santa hat (which he christened the Festiduck). I added the gold tinsel and the beads. So now, each holiday, we get into it, putting up the pole, putting cards and presents under it, and John tacks up other odds and ends of Christmas decor throughout his house.

Behold:

Festivus pole with Festiduck

Is this a reindeer, or a bear with antlers?

Mr. Snowman… bring me some snow…

That’s right — John put up mistletoe still in the box.

But wait, there’s more.

Anyone remember the video on Saturday Night Live, about 12 years ago, the Christmas satire called “D*** In A Box,” with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg? If somehow you’ve managed not to see or hear that, Google it. It’s hilarious. Anyway… at one point on Christmas night, John left the room for a minute, then he came back in, holding his phone. Blaring from it, I could hear the opening lines of “D*** In A Box,” the guys crooning “Hey girl, I’ve got somethin’ real important to give you…” I looked over, and damn near died laughing. John had taken a rectangular gift box (with wrapping paper on it), cut holes and threaded a shoelace through it, and tied it around his hips, so the box was directly in front of his crotch. And he was dancing and bobbing around with this ridiculous thing along with the video. Oh. My. God.

And yes, I got a picture.

There is no being a Grinch with this goofball. ♥

So, it was a nice day. I got some fun surprises from friends, and got to be with the most important person in my life, and oh! It even rained. Really couldn’t ask for more.

I hope everyone had a good holiday, whatever you chose to do. As 2021 draws to a close, I have several thoughts about this past year, and what’s ahead, but you know… I just don’t feel like talking about them right now. Too depressing. So I’ll let my hero, the incomparable Ruth Bader Ginsburg, speak for me this fine December day.

Happy holidays, y’all.

Ho ho, Fa la, etc., ad nauseam

What time is it, kids? It’s Xmas carol parody time! My faithful readers out there know that I do one of these every year. (For a refresher, here’s last year’s efforts.) My offering for this year is brief, but you know, Covid and all the other BS kind of put a stopper in my creative flow. Still, the show must go on.

Some of you may recall that a couple of years ago, I parodied “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” with “Donald, the Orange Menace.” But that didn’t really count, since it was politically oriented and had nothing to do with our favorite pastime. So this year, I present to you, “Rudolph, the Red-Palmed Spanker.” Oh… and yes, this is written in M/F orientation. Sorry, y’all, that’s just how I roll.

You know paddles that sting you and canes that can ding you,
Brushes and straps and the pain that they bring you,
But do you recall
The hardest spanker of all?

Rudolph the Red-Palmed Spanker
Had a very heavy hand
And if you ever felt it
You would swear that it’s a brand

All of the small-town housewives
Used to laugh and sneer “That’s lame,”
They never let their husbands
Play in any kinky games

Then one night the men got peeved
And they came to say
“Rudolph, with your hand of might
Won’t you spank our wives tonight?”

Now all the brats respect him
And they line up for his knee
Rudolph, the Red-Palmed Spanker,
Takes their panties down with glee!

And so it goes, another year. At least we’re having some seasonal weather here in CA for a change and I got to blow the dust off my sweaters. No holiday plans, but you know me… not my thing anyway. Doing my best to avoid the endless loops of Xmas music and schmaltzy commercials, and hoping that my kind of fun will be happening soon. Be safe and well, everyone. Happy holidays of your choosing. Scrooge out.

Holiday Mood

Any questions?

Yeah, I know. It’s holly, not mistletoe. The photo edit program had a whole bunch of seasonal crap, but not mistletoe. Close enough.

I’ve never had a tattoo and I never will. But if I were to get one, this would be a top choice — mistletoe right above my butt. Either that, or an arrow pointing down with the words EXIT ONLY.

Ho ho freaking ho.

“Gee, sweetie, you shouldn’t have…”

How was everyone’s Christmas/Hanukkah/whatever? As most of you know, I’m not into the holidays at all and neither is John (and especially not in the train wreck known as 2020), so we playfully celebrate “Festivus” — the Seinfeld-invented holiday. We started with a steel pole a few years ago (the Festivus pole), but each year we keep embellishing it. I wrapped it with festive paper, and John provided what came to be known as the “Festi-duck,” complete in his gold tinsel nest with his Mardi Gras beads.

John attached the pole to two pieces of wood at the bottom so it would stay erect. Last year, he added a tree skirt he found being discarded. Oh, and pine cones. It’s goofy fun.

This year, we didn’t make a big deal out of gifts. He wanted some new sheets, so I ordered a really nice set for him online. As he does every year, he went to a local gourmet shop where they have all kinds of unusual foods, and bought a bag filled with an assortment of treats. He also gave me a gift card and a Patagonia tote bag I can use for my groceries.

Doesn’t our pole look cheery with all the odds and ends and packages?

Here we are, with the Festi-duck appearing to rise out of John’s head. Not the best picture quality. I swear, I’ve worn makeup twice in nine months.

When I delved into the large treat bag, I was thrilled to discover gourmet hot cocoa, cookies, chocolates, English toffee.

And then there was this. Like I said, gee, honey…

I laughed so hard I had a stomachache. Who comes up with stuff like this?? And what flavor are white jelly beans? Not that I’m going to eat them anyway… Leave it to John to find these! And if I’m so damned naughty, when am I going to get a spanking already? (grumble)

I got some other really nice things too, from various friends. Considering the dire circumstances surrounding us all right now, it was nice to be able to forget it all for a little while and share some gifts. I wish I could actually see my friends, but I guess that’s not going to happen for a while yet.

Oh, and for those who follow Seinfeld and are familiar with Festivus traditions, we decided to dispense with the airing of grievances and feats of strength this year. For one thing, the whole freaking year has been one long grievance. And for another, simply surviving 2020 (not to mention four years of Agolf Twitler) was not only a feat of strength, it was fucking Herculean.

I hope everyone stayed safe and well, and were able to enjoy some special moments. ♥

Uh oh, check the calendar…

Guess what time it is?

Yup — it’s Christmas carol spanko parody time! How many years have I been doing this? I’ve lost track. But if you’re a newer reader and aren’t familiar with this tradition, you can check out a couple from years past here and here.

This year, I chose “The Little Drummer Boy.” Yeah, I know, that’s kind of cheating, since half of it is the same line over and over. But screw it, it’s 2020 — it’s the best I could do. Besides, I added a couple of extra verses to make up for it.

And really, “pa rum pum pum pum pum” simply begged for a spanko interpretation.

I really don’t know what to call this parody, but here’s my kind of drummer boy…

So, without any further ado… (throat clearing)… ♪ Mi mi mi mi ♫…

Come and spank me
Pa rump-a-thump pum
I am a brat, you see
Pa rump-a-thump pum
The finest straps you bring
Pa rump-a-thump pum
To wield and make me sting
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
So, again, please come
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Spank my bum

Come on, baby
Pa rump-a-thump pum
I know you need it too
Pa rump-a-thump pum
My hand will give you sting
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Before the strap I’ll swing
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Shall I curb your sass
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Through your ass?

So, I nodded
Pa rump-a-thump pum
I’d gone too far this time
Pa rump-a-thump pum
I laid across his lap
Pa rump-a-thump pum
And heard a mighty WHAP
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Then I felt the heat
Pa rump-a-thump pum
On my seat

Oh, my bottom
Pa rump-a-thump pum
His hand was oh so hard
Pa rump-a-thump pum
My moans the town could hear
Pa rump-a-thump pum
He strapped my tender rear
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
“Have you had enough?”
Pa rump-a-thump pum
KISS MY DUFF!

“Now, you’re getting more!”
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Till I was red and sore
Pa rump-a-thump pum
I sassed my worst for him
Pa rump-a-thump pum
He spanked his best for me
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Then a tear broke free
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Over his knee

I’m so sorry
Pa rump-a-thump pum
I’ll be your good girl now
Pa rump-a-thump pum
His hand caressed my hair
Pa rump-a-thump pum
“It’s time for aftercare”
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Rump-a-thump pum
Then I purred for him
Pa rump-a-thump pum
Me and my bum

Hope you enjoy! And happy/joyous/merry who-cares-we’re-not-doing-anything-anyway.

Happy 2020

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope everyone had safe, happy and healthy holidays. Mine were quiet, exactly as I wanted them. Now it’s time to get back into work mode.

Also, it’s time for a fresh start, to dip my toes tentatively back into the scheme of things. I can’t believe it’s been nearly a year since I wrote Notes on the Scene. Back then, I was coming from a place of sadness, hurt and disillusionment. Now, after coming out the other side of an ocean of tears, I think I’m more in a place of clarity. This past year opened my eyes to many things, and I will never again look upon the kink scene as I once did. However, I feel like I can now start to take back what’s good, and leave the rest.

To that end, I reactivated my FetLife account after being off for eleven months. And I plan to go to 50 Freaks in Vegas at the end of February, after a year off from parties. It’s a scary prospect, going back, but there are people I look forward to seeing. As for local play partners, the search continues. But I am hopeful.

For everyone out there reading this who is having a hard time, please hang in there. This time last year, I was going to bed each night and wishing I wouldn’t wake up. But the worst of it seems to have passed. There is a flip side to the darkness. And once again, I recall this expression of hope and comfort: May the depth of your despair be the height of your joy.

So, here’s to a new year, to new beginnings. Because I want to come out from under the covers and get back into this part of who I am. To bring some color back into my life.

Cheers. ♥