Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of these. Who remembers the Nancy Sinatra classic hit, “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ “? The actual lyrics are kind of toppy to begin with, so it was pretty easy to convert them into a spanko parody.
For those who aren’t familiar with the song, please enjoy this slice of 1960s nostalgia, with a rather uncomfortable looking Nancy stiffly gyrating and lip-synching her way through it. Parody follows.
These Hands (Are Made for Spanking)
You keep saying, you’re behaving for me
Sometimes you are good, but confess,
You’ve been a-bratting when you shouldn’t be a-bratting, and now
Someone thinks it’s time to lift your dress!
These hands are made for spanking
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these hands are gonna whack all over you
You keep snarking, when you oughta be pleasing,
And you keep sassing, when you oughta not speak
You keep raging, when you oughta be engaging
Now you’re just not right
And you just hit your peak!
These hands are made for spanking
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these hands are gonna whack all over you
You keep pushing, where you shouldn’t be pushing
And you keep thinking, that your bottom won’t burn, HA!
I just got me a brand new set of paddles, yeah
And what they do, you’re sure as hell going to learn!
These hands are made for spanking
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these hands are gonna whack all over you
You didn’t think I was going to skip the annual carol parody, did you? The one from last week was simply a bonus, because… well, because I felt like it. But ’tis an Erica Scott tradition to create a spanko parody of a Christmas carol every year, and I wasn’t about to slack off on it. Besides, work is slow this week, I have a wretched cold, so I have plenty of time on my hands and could use the distraction.
I’ve done several of these already (like this one from last year, for example), but as we all know, there is no shortage of carols to work with. The one from last year was complex with multiple verses, but this year, with my brain muddled with mucus, I needed to keep it simple. And what’s more simple and classic than “A Christmas Song”? Besides, to this day, I can’t think about that song without remembering my dad warbling “Jack Frost roasting on an open fire…”
So, with all apologies to Mel Tormé (co-writer) and Nat King Cole, here you go:
Bottoms roasting under open palms Teardrops dripping off their nose Misbehavior being handled by doms And brats dressed up like Santa’s hos
Everybody knows a paddle and a strap or two Help to keep the backsides bright Whiny imps and the miscreants too Will find it hard to sit tonight
They know a spanking’s on its way They’ve got it coming and there’s nothing they can say And all the good girls are gonna spy To see what happens when you scheme and lie
And so the tops are rolling back their cuffs To give the little brats their due All Grinches out there, say goodbye to your duffs Many spankings to you!
And yes, before anyone comments on it, it doesn’t escape me that I’m the biggest Grinch out there and should be the recipient of this holiday fare. To that I say, “Yes, please, bring it!” My mojo is definitely still very much alive. Yesterday, while in the throes of fever and boredom, I engaged in a brat war on Twitter — two other women and me against one male top. It was immature, it was silly… and it was so damn much fun. I haven’t done anything like that in years. And I’ve still got it, if I do say so myself. The top involved actually admitted, “Wow, you’re good. You’re really good.” 😀 So… once I get rid of this damn cold and get past the annual ho-ho shit, I will try to get back into the game and redouble my efforts to find a local play partner. Because I need this.
A final note… despite the heartache and disappointment and other bullshit that life tosses in our direction on a daily basis, I get by with a little help from my friends. For the special friend who had my back this week, thank you. ♥
Those of you who have been with me for years (and thank you) know I like to write a spanko parody of a Christmas carol at this time of year. And I still might — the month is young. But for now, I have something extra.
When I restarted this blog a year and a half ago, I said that I wouldn’t be talking about politics, that they really had no business on a spanking blog. I still feel that way, so don’t worry, I’m not going in that direction. However, despite the efforts of this clusterfuck of an administration, we haven’t completely devolved into Gilead just yet, and it’s still a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. So, I present this holiday treat to you, to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Donald the Orange Menace
Donald the Orange Menace, Had a very slimy past, Now thanks to the impeachment, It’s gonna bite him in the ass!
All of his crooks and cronies Used to laugh and call folks names They always joined The Dotard As he played his lying games!
Then one happy Judgment Day, Nancy came to say, “Donald, you’re a hopeless blight, Please resign and leave tonight!”
All of the “snowflakes” loathed him And they shouted out with glee “Donald the Orange Menace, You’ll go down in flames, you’ll see!”
As my readers know, in general, I encourage civil discourse and welcome people to disagree with me if they do so respectfully. But on this topic? Nuh uh. You don’t like this parody? Don’t like what I say about Trump? As your Führer likes to tweet, Too Bad! (He probably likes that phrase because it’s two words he can actually spell correctly.) Please feel free to go read something else, and leave me the hell alone. There is more than enough right-wing swill for you to wallow in out there.
Oh, and for those who will gloat that impeachment is a worthless joke, that nothing’s going to get him out — yeah, we may be stuck with him for another year, but the damage is done. He’s been shown for what he is: a complete disgrace, and the laughing stock of the entire freaking world.
This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of the Beatles’ final album together, Abbey Road. Those who know me, know I’m much more of a fan of their earlier work and I can take or leave this album, even though it’s considered a masterpiece and I do acknowledge that. So which song did I choose for a parody? George’s poignant and multi-covered “Something”? John’s bizarre “Come Together”? Nah. I picked Paul’s “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.”
For anyone who doesn’t know the story of this song, Paul pushed hard for it, thinking it would make a great single. The other Beatles hated it, thought it was one of Paul’s cutesy, “granny” songs. (Think “When I’m 64,” or his solo “Silly Love Songs,” the latter of which I can’t stomach.) However, the bouncy tempo, the lively “Bang-Bang” sounds, and John and George hiding their disgust while providing a cheerful “Doo-doo doo doo” backup during the chorus tends to make people forget that the song is pretty damn dark, about an unassuming young man named Maxwell Edison who goes around bashing people’s heads in with a silver hammer.
Many years ago, a play partner who was a fellow Beatles freak came over one night bringing a bag of implements and the Abbey Road CD. He had a different implement for nearly every song (he claimed that we were skipping “Octopus’s Garden” because he thought it sucked). And for “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer,” he introduced me to “Max” — a large, heavy aluminum paddle with holes in it. Holy shit.
But I digress. Here’s the real song, in case you don’t remember it.
And here is my parody, “Maxwell’s Leather Paddle.” Enjoy!
Joan had attitude,
Suffering with bratitude,
Sighing in her home
Late nights all alone, no one liked her,
Oh, oh-oh-oh,
Maxwell Edison,
Knew he had the medicine,
Called her on the phone
“Can I help you out with your problem,
Jo-oh-oh-oan?”
But as she’s just about to refuse
He charges through the door…
Whack! Whack! Maxwell’s leather paddle
Came down upon her ass Smack! Smack! Maxwell’s leather paddle
Got rid of all her sass.
Back at work again, secretary’s late again
Maxwell gets annoyed
Wishing she would learn how to tell the ti-i-i-ime
He tells her to stay
Says that she’ll be spanked today
On her bare behind
She protests and cries
“You will not do so-o-o-o!”
But as she turns away from the man
He throws her OTK…
Whack! Whack! Maxwell’s wooden paddle
Came down upon her bum Smack! Smack! Maxwell’s wooden paddle
Turned white into dark plum!
CeeCee, thirty-one
Said “You’re such a flirty one!”
Maxwell stands accused,
Feinting shock, but he gets the picture,
Now, ow ow ow
“No more Valerie,
Jennifer or Mallory,
Prove you love just me!”
Max says, “Yes, indeed,
Let me show you how, ow ow ow”
And as the words are leaving his lips
He pulls her panties down…
Whack! Whack! Maxwell’s heavy paddle
Came down upon her cheeks Smack! Smack! After Max’s paddle
She stood for one whole week,
Whoa whoa whoa ohhh!
Final note: In a completely unrelated story (but pertaining to Abbey Road songs and spanking), the aforementioned Beatles fan play partner was once coming to the end of a very hard scene with me, and my brain was fried (along with my butt). He then selected a nasty strap and announced he wasn’t going to stop using it until I sang a Beatles song all the way through. (Fortunately, no one else was around; it was at Shadow Lane, but in his hotel room.)
Say what???
But then, my brain kicked in. “Any Beatles song?” I asked. “Yup,” he said.
Well, all rightie then.
I proceeded to sing “Her Majesty” — which is all of twenty-six seconds long. 😀
What, you were expecting something sentimental and Yuletide-y? Do you know me?
Anyway… it will surprise no one to read that I’m not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I’m actually working on Christmas Day, by choice. 1. I’m a Grinch, and a Jewish Grinch at that. 2. John is invited to his sister’s house for Christmas dinner. He made an excuse for me without even double-checking if there was a ghost of a chance I might want to go. Good man. I am so done with those people. So he and I will exchange our gifts this weekend.
However, even though I haven’t done this for the past couple of years, I felt the need to carry on my past tradition of writing spanking Christmas carol parodies. This year’s offering is to the tune of “Sleigh Ride.”
Just hear those paddles paddling, crack-crack-crackling too Come on, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you You know the hands are falling with miscreants calling “Boo hoo!” Oh yes, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you
Pull ‘em down, pull ‘em down, pull ‘em way down, go Right down to your toes We’re starting with a bottom white as snow Smack it up, smack it up, smack it harder, pow! It’s getting red now We’re spanking along with a song Of a bratty girl’s dressing down
Our buns are red and rosy and sore and toasty are we We’re planning pranks together like brats of a feather we’ll be They’ll say “Oh, you’re in trouble!” and spank our bubble butts too Come on, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you
There’s a Red Room party at the home of Christian Grey, He’s a poser but oh well we’re going anyway, We’ll be writhing on laps of tops we love, and hoping they won’t stop At the gathering while we watch the paddles pop: Pop! Pop! Pop! There’s a stinging feeling nothing in the world can buy When they pass around the spoons and straps and belts, oh my! It’ll nearly be like a photograph in Janus Magazine These wonderful toys that abound we’ll remember when we sit down!
Just hear those paddles paddling, crack-crack-crackling too Come on, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you You know the hands are falling with miscreants calling “Boo hoo!” Oh yes, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you
Pull ‘em down, pull ‘em down, pull ‘em way down, go Right down to your toes We’re starting with a bottom white as snow Smack it up, smack it up, smack it harder, pow! It’s getting red now We’re spanking along with a song Of a bratty girl’s dressing down
Our buns are red and rosy and sore and toasty are we We’re planning pranks together like brats of a feather we’ll be They’ll say “Oh, you’re in trouble!” and spank our bubble butts too Come on, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with youuuu!
I should throw in a disclaimer that never have I ever heard anyone actually say “Boo hoo!” But you know, artistic license. And I made myself laugh when I transformed the line “There’s a birthday party at the home of Farmer Gray.”
In closing, remember, Grumpy Cat sings,
“Deck the halls with clumps of furballs Fa la la la la, go elf yourself!”
Have a great weekend, y’all. And all snark aside… I hope your holidays, whatever you celebrate, are happy. We could all use some cheer, I think. ♥
So yesterday, as I was trundling along on the treadmill, my mind wandered as it is wont to do, and I had what I consider a brilliant brainchild.
Consider the following:
I am one kinky, nasty woman;
I speak my mind often and tell it like it is, even though some people would prefer that I STFU;
I know zippity squat about how to run a country, but clearly, that doesn’t matter; and
I tweet a whole lot (going on 20K now)
I should run for president in 2020!! Not just the first woman, but the first kinky president! Hey, if we can have a PeePee President, why not a Spanko President?
Imagine the possibilities for slogans!
Embrace your inner safe, sane and consensual sadomasochist, America! Spanking pain is temporary; nuclear vaporization is forever!
Healthcare that everyone can count on, permanently — no one will piss it away!
Erica Scott’s promises are as solid as a frat paddle — with no (loop)holes!
Erica Scott will stand with you — since she can’t sit!
You can’t have America without Erica!
Red is the New Orange!
Erica Scott: Make America Black & Blue Again! #MABBA
Of course, John would be the First… what? We’re not married, so already, I’m breaking tradition. But so what? We’ve been together for over 20 years; that’s longer than a lot of marriages. (Just ask the upcoming Commander in Cheat.) So, I guess John could be First Switch, Top of your Bottom in Chief. And then there’s my cabinet — oh, so many boxer briefs and panties to fill. But I think I’d start with Paul Kennedy as Spanker of the House, and make Alex Reynolds Secretary of the Posterior. Perhaps Michael Masterson should head up the Lap of Justice Department.
My White House pet would be a giant white dog (she’d have to be white, so I could name her — what else? — Snowflake, and any breed would work except sheepdog). I would train my faithful companion to always hide (or bury) wooden implements. She’d never bite anyone, but she’d growl menacingly whenever she sees someone anything orange.
One of my first acts would be to declare the non-consensual grabbing of pussies to be a capital offense. (Just to be clear, I’m talking about real non-consent, not our type of “oh, please don’t… don’t… don’t stop” consensual non-consent.) And ladies? From now on, no one will be able to get up into your business — unless you want them to, of course!
Tolerant, respectful people — of all nationalities and colors, all religions (or none), all genders (whether born or chosen), all orientations, all sizes and shapes, all ages and income levels — will be treated in turn with tolerance and respect. Those of us who choose not to follow the tried and true societal dictates will not be shamed, but welcomed. None of this bullying/prejudice/discrimination shit on my watch! This is America, not AmeriKKKa. (And yes, your leader will be spanked often for her shameless word play.)
I would redesign the Oval Office, of course. My office would need corners. All staffers would be armed with guns — squirt guns. And corporal punishment would replace capital punishment (but only for vanilla offenders, since kinky offenders would like it way too damn much).
What do you think, readers? Can you add any ideas? Would you vote for me? Come on, I couldn’t possibly be any worse than what’s coming. You’ve got nothing to lose but your inhibitions — and possibly your underwear. 😀
PLEASE NOTE: This blog contains adult subjects and content. If you are under 18, or are offended by kinky material, please find something more wholesome and vanilla.
Can be loving, affectionate, loyal, quick-witted, playful, sensitive, empathic, tenderhearted, mercurial, stubborn, sarcastic, impatient, perfectionistic, contrary, opinionated, cranky, antisocial, restless, kinky, exhibitionistic, rebellious, incurably flirtatious, or any combination of the above, depending on the day. Questions/comments/want to say hello? ericascottlls@gmail.com
