This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of the Beatles’ final album together, Abbey Road. Those who know me, know I’m much more of a fan of their earlier work and I can take or leave this album, even though it’s considered a masterpiece and I do acknowledge that. So which song did I choose for a parody? George’s poignant and multi-covered “Something”? John’s bizarre “Come Together”? Nah. I picked Paul’s “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.”
For anyone who doesn’t know the story of this song, Paul pushed hard for it, thinking it would make a great single. The other Beatles hated it, thought it was one of Paul’s cutesy, “granny” songs. (Think “When I’m 64,” or his solo “Silly Love Songs,” the latter of which I can’t stomach.) However, the bouncy tempo, the lively “Bang-Bang” sounds, and John and George hiding their disgust while providing a cheerful “Doo-doo doo doo” backup during the chorus tends to make people forget that the song is pretty damn dark, about an unassuming young man named Maxwell Edison who goes around bashing people’s heads in with a silver hammer.
Many years ago, a play partner who was a fellow Beatles freak came over one night bringing a bag of implements and the Abbey Road CD. He had a different implement for nearly every song (he claimed that we were skipping “Octopus’s Garden” because he thought it sucked). And for “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer,” he introduced me to “Max” — a large, heavy aluminum paddle with holes in it. Holy shit.
But I digress. Here’s the real song, in case you don’t remember it.
And here is my parody, “Maxwell’s Leather Paddle.” Enjoy!
Joan had attitude,
Suffering with bratitude,
Sighing in her home
Late nights all alone, no one liked her,
Knew he had the medicine,
Called her on the phone
“Can I help you out with your problem,
But as she’s just about to refuse
He charges through the door…
Whack! Whack! Maxwell’s leather paddle
Came down upon her ass
Smack! Smack! Maxwell’s leather paddle
Got rid of all her sass.
Back at work again, secretary’s late again
Maxwell gets annoyed
Wishing she would learn how to tell the ti-i-i-ime
He tells her to stay
Says that she’ll be spanked today
On her bare behind
She protests and cries
“You will not do so-o-o-o!”
But as she turns away from the man
He throws her OTK…
Whack! Whack! Maxwell’s wooden paddle
Came down upon her bum
Smack! Smack! Maxwell’s wooden paddle
Turned white into dark plum!
Said “You’re such a flirty one!”
Maxwell stands accused,
Feinting shock, but he gets the picture,
Now, ow ow ow
“No more Valerie,
Jennifer or Mallory,
Prove you love just me!”
Max says, “Yes, indeed,
Let me show you how, ow ow ow”
And as the words are leaving his lips
He pulls her panties down…
Whack! Whack! Maxwell’s heavy paddle
Came down upon her cheeks
Smack! Smack! After Max’s paddle
She stood for one whole week,
Whoa whoa whoa ohhh!
Final note: In a completely unrelated story (but pertaining to Abbey Road songs and spanking), the aforementioned Beatles fan play partner was once coming to the end of a very hard scene with me, and my brain was fried (along with my butt). He then selected a nasty strap and announced he wasn’t going to stop using it until I sang a Beatles song all the way through. (Fortunately, no one else was around; it was at Shadow Lane, but in his hotel room.)
But then, my brain kicked in. “Any Beatles song?” I asked. “Yup,” he said.
Well, all rightie then.
I proceeded to sing “Her Majesty” — which is all of twenty-six seconds long. 😀